Thread: Black Humor (for RED days.)

Investment tips for 2009

With all the turmoil in the market today and the collapse of Lehman Bros and
Acquisition of Merrill Lynch by Bank of America this might be some good
advice. For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected
mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks.

Watch for these consolidations in later this year:

1.) Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W R. Grace
Co. Will merge and become:
Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.

2.) Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and
become:
Poly, Warner Cracker.

3.) 3M will merge with Goodyear and become:
MMMGood.

4. Zipp o Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge
and become:
ZipAudiDoDa .

5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become:
FedUP.

6. Fairchild Electronic s and Honeywell Computers will become:
Fairwell Honeychild.

7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become:
PouponPants.

8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become:
Knott NOW!

And finally...

9. Victoria 's Secret and Smith &Wesson will merge under the new name:
TittyTittyBangBang



<received this in an e-mail with no attribution - sounds like it could have come from the Tonight Show????>

Merrill Lynch has adjusted its investment portfolio: 50% cash and 50% canned goods.

Bumper sticker on Wall Street: My other Porsche is for sale.

How many investment bankers can you fit in the back of a pickup truck? Only 2 - you have to leave room for the lawn mowers!

I have an uncle down at Wall Street. He used to have a corner on the market. Now he has a market on the corner.

"Get my broker, Miss Jones."
"Yes sir. Stock, or Pawn?"

from http://www.creditbloggers.com/2007/0...money-f-2.html

Thanks guys,

We need all the humor we can muster now.

CB

A trader on the floor of the NYSE was overheard saying "This is worse than a divorce. I've lost half my net worth and still have my wife!"

It's not black financial humor, but 2 quick jokes that that may lighten the mood and start the weekend off on a good foot. I hope they aren't to old, like me

Understanding Engineers

Take One:
Two engineering students were riding across campus one day when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer said, "Well I was walking along yesterday when a beautiful young woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothing and said, "Take what you want."
The first engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice, the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

Take Two:
To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
Take Three:

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for at last fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, 'I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude."
The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him."
(dramatic pause)
"Hi George, say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow."
The greenskeeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free whenever they want." The group was silent for a moment.
The pastor said, "That's so very sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them."
The doctor said, "Good idea, I think I will contact an opthalmologist friend of mine and see what he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"
Take Four:

What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers? Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.

Joke 2

No Action Since 1955

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

'Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?'

'Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature.'

'The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, 'It looks like you have seen a lot of action.'

'Yes, ma'am, a lot of action.'

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, 'You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.'

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, 'You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?'

'1955, ma'am.'

'Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to 'relax' him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, 'Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!'

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, 'I hope not, it's only 2130 now.'


Enjoy the weekend gang,
CB

Rigghhhhttttt...




Yesterday I was buying a 2 large bags of Purina dog chow at Walmart, for my dogs == Winston, Chief, Gus, and Maximus.

I was about to check out when a woman behind me
asked if I had a dog.

What did she think, that I had an elephant?


Since I had little else to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't
have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again, although I
probably shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital last time.

On the bright side though, I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of every hole in my body and IVs in both arms. The Purina diet was the latest thing, and it worked great.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way
that it works is this--

You load your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was enthralled with my story by now.)


Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food had poisoned me.

I told her no; I had been chasing a car, stopped in the middle of the parking lot to lick my rear, and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard!


WAL-MART won't let me shop there anymore.

http://www.newsday.com/iphone/ny-poj...4524085.column

Attachment 5326

Originally Posted by James48843

Rigghhhhttttt...




Yesterday I was buying a 2 large bags of Purina dog chow at Walmart, for my dogs == Winston, Chief, Gus, and Maximus.

I was about to check out when a woman behind me
asked if I had a dog.

What did she think, that I had an elephant?


Since I had little else to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't
have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again, although I
probably shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital last time.

On the bright side though, I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of every hole in my body and IVs in both arms. The Purina diet was the latest thing, and it worked great.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way
that it works is this--

You load your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was enthralled with my story by now.)


Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food had poisoned me.

I told her no; I had been chasing a car, stopped in the middle of the parking lot to lick my rear, and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard!


WAL-MART won't let me shop there anymore.

I don't care who you are, that's funny right there!

Bernie Madoff yesterday, under intense interrogation......

Attachment 5351