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Thread: Black Humor (for RED days.)

  1. #13

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    Default Re: Black Humor (for RED days.)


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  3. #14

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    Default Re: Black Humor (for RED days.)


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  5. #15

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    Default Re: Black Humor (for RED days.)

    From my wanderings...

    And finally, this conversation from the pokey in the hotel we’ve been staying at this week on the Gold Coast. It was the end of a long week and your editor sat down to finish a glass of red wine over a bizarre looking game that had a giant red kangaroo on it. It was called "Big Red."

    "How can three eagles not win a hand," we asked the stranger to our right, trying to figure the game out?

    "I don’t know. What kind of eagles are they?"

    "I don’t know. I think they’re brown eagles. There’s no gold on them."

    "Maybe it’s a sea eagle."

    "Maybe. But...shouldn’t three eagles win something."

    "Not necessarily. It looks to me like you’ve got eagles there. But you’ve also got crocodiles...boars...let’s see...I think that’s a dingo...some gum trees...a queen...and a king. So they have to fit together somehow, or else you don’t get anything."

    "It sounds like a synthetic CDO?"

    "Pardon?"

    "Nothing...really. Nothing. Never mind." And off to bed we went.

    From Dan Denning on the Gold Coast
    for The Daily Reckoning Australia

    http://www.dailyreckoning.com.au/the-mining-finance-black-hole/2009/02/13/
    Venison Stew

  6.  
  7. #16

    Join Date
    Jun 2004
    Location
    Boiled Peanut, Georgia, USA
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    Default Re: Black Humor (for RED days.)

    Even at times like this we still have Walmart!
    One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Bob says to Mike behind him,'My elbow hurts like the dickens!! I guess I'd better see a doctor.'

    'Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money,' Mike replies.

    'There's a diagnostic computer down at
    Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.

    It takes ten seconds and costs $10 - A lot cheaper than a doctor.'

    So, Bob deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart.

    He deposits $10, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.


    10 seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
    'You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and Epsom salts found on aisle 2. Avoid heavy activity. It will improve in 2 weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.'

    That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Bob began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

    He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.

    Bob hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. H e deposits $10, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

    The computer prints the following:

    1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
    2. Your dog has ringworm.. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
    3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
    4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
    5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!


    Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart



  8.  
  9. #17

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    Default Re: Black Humor (for RED days.)

    Rough week. Still kicking!




















    Venison Stew

  10.  
  11. #18

    Join Date
    Apr 2005
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    Default Re: Black Humor (for RED days.)

    If you are like me, you sit at the computer so much that you have to clear the dust off the exterior of the monitor screen from time to time.

    However, until now, it has been particularly difficult to clear the INSIDE of the computer screen properly.

    I have jst discovered an excellent new program that cleans the inside of your monitor, and it's quick and easy.

    Simply click here to begin:
    http://www.raincitystory.com/flash/screenclean.swf


  12.  
  13. #19

    Join Date
    Dec 2008
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    Default Re: Black Humor (for RED days.)

    Cool!

    Worked Great!

    Wait...that thing left a steaming pile behind my monitor!

    What now?
    Venison Stew

  14.  
  15. #20

    Default Re: Black Humor (for RED days.)

    beware of Retail Sales ploys...

    "That's as good as money sir, those are I.O.U.'s" - from: Dumb & Dumber

  16.  
  17. #21

    Default Re: Black Humor (for RED days.)

    Those Britt's just don't know how to price their products

  18.  
  19. #22

    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Location
    inland Northwest
    Posts
    4,124

    Default Re: Black Humor (for RED days.)

    Communications problems. the downfall of marriages, friendships, work teams, neighbor relations, foreign relations, Yellowbeard relations!
    "life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards" - soren kierkegaard

  20.  
  21. #23

    Join Date
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    Default Re: Black Humor (for RED days.)

    More Black Humor ...for Red days.


    Ayoung cowboy from Wyoming goes off to college. Half way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money.

    He calls home. "Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in Laramie that will teach our dog, Ol' Blue how to talk!"

    "That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?"


    "Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says. "I'll get him in the course."

    So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.

    About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.

    "So how's Ol' Blue doing son?" his father asks.

    " Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!"

    "Read!?" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?"

    "Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."

    The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read.

    So he shoots the dog.

    When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited. "Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"

    "Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, "So, is your daddy still seeing that little redhead who lives
    in town?"

    The father gasped, and exclaimed, "I hope you shot that son of a bitch before he talks to your Mother!"

    "I sure did, Dad!"

    "That's my boy!"

    The kid went on to be a successful lawyer....

    and then he went on to become the Governor of Illinois.

  22.  
  23. #24

    Default Re: Black Humor (for RED days.)

    Hillarious political video - it's real. I really need to visit Chicago one day.

    http://wheelanforcongress.com/2009/0...bright-knight/

    Will Rahm clean up his potty mouth? Will Chicago elect an educated man to the House? Stay tuned. Same Bat channel, same bat time. Heh, heh, heh, heh.....
    100% I August 14 (cob 8/14). Trying it again until Oct.

  24.  
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