Black Humor (for RED days.)

[James48843]

NEW STOCK MARKET TERMS:

CEO --Chief Embezzlement Officer.

CFO -- Corporate Fraud Officer.

BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.

VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

BROKER -- What my financial advisor has made me.

STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.

STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.

FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.

MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.

CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.

WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @$240 per share.

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Former investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.

PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use.


(Stolen from another internet site tonight. :)
Hey, we're all going broke together. The least we can do is maintain a sense of humor. It may be all we have left when this is over.)

[malyla]

Investment tips for 2009

With all the turmoil in the market today and the collapse of Lehman Bros and
Acquisition of Merrill Lynch by Bank of America this might be some good
advice. For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected
mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks.

Watch for these consolidations in later this year:

1.) Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W R. Grace
Co. Will merge and become:
Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.

2.) Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and
become:
Poly, Warner Cracker.

3.) 3M will merge with Goodyear and become:
MMMGood.

4. Zipp o Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge
and become:
ZipAudiDoDa .

5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become:
FedUP.

6. Fairchild Electronic s and Honeywell Computers will become:
Fairwell Honeychild.

7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become:
PouponPants.

8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become:
Knott NOW!

And finally...

9. Victoria 's Secret and Smith &Wesson will merge under the new name:
TittyTittyBangBang



<received this in an e-mail with no attribution - sounds like it could have come from the Tonight Show????> :D

[malyla]

Merrill Lynch has adjusted its investment portfolio: 50% cash and 50% canned goods.

Bumper sticker on Wall Street: My other Porsche is for sale.

How many investment bankers can you fit in the back of a pickup truck? Only 2 - you have to leave room for the lawn mowers!

I have an uncle down at Wall Street. He used to have a corner on the market. Now he has a market on the corner.

"Get my broker, Miss Jones."
"Yes sir. Stock, or Pawn?"

from http://www.creditbloggers.com/2007/07/funny-money-f-2.html

[CountryBoy]

Thanks guys,

We need all the humor we can muster now.

CB

[KevinD]

A trader on the floor of the NYSE was overheard saying "This is worse than a divorce. I've lost half my net worth and still have my wife!"

[CountryBoy]

It's not black financial humor, but 2 quick jokes that that may lighten the mood and start the weekend off on a good foot. I hope they aren't to old, like me :D

Understanding Engineers

Take One:
Two engineering students were riding across campus one day when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer said, "Well I was walking along yesterday when a beautiful young woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothing and said, "Take what you want."
The first engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice, the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

Take Two:
To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
Take Three:

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for at last fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, 'I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude."
The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him."
(dramatic pause)
"Hi George, say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow."
The greenskeeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free whenever they want." The group was silent for a moment.
The pastor said, "That's so very sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them."
The doctor said, "Good idea, I think I will contact an opthalmologist friend of mine and see what he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"
Take Four:

What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers? Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.

Joke 2

No Action Since 1955

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

'Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?'

'Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature.'

'The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, 'It looks like you have seen a lot of action.'

'Yes, ma'am, a lot of action.'

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, 'You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.'

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, 'You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?'

'1955, ma'am.'

'Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to 'relax' him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, 'Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!'

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, 'I hope not, it's only 2130 now.'


Enjoy the weekend gang,
CB

[James48843]

Rigghhhhttttt...




Yesterday I was buying a 2 large bags of Purina dog chow at Walmart, for my dogs == Winston, Chief, Gus, and Maximus.

I was about to check out when a woman behind me
asked if I had a dog.

What did she think, that I had an elephant?


Since I had little else to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't
have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again, although I
probably shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital last time.

On the bright side though, I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of every hole in my body and IVs in both arms. The Purina diet was the latest thing, and it worked great.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way
that it works is this--

You load your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was enthralled with my story by now.)


Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food had poisoned me.

I told her no; I had been chasing a car, stopped in the middle of the parking lot to lick my rear, and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard!


WAL-MART won't let me shop there anymore.

[McDuck]

http://www.thoseshirts.com/images/square-large-wbc.jpg

[McDuck]

http://www.newsday.com/iphone/ny-pojani1211-col,0,4524085.column

[James48843]

5326

[Viva_La_Migra]

Rigghhhhttttt...




Yesterday I was buying a 2 large bags of Purina dog chow at Walmart, for my dogs == Winston, Chief, Gus, and Maximus.

I was about to check out when a woman behind me
asked if I had a dog.

What did she think, that I had an elephant?


Since I had little else to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't
have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again, although I
probably shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital last time.

On the bright side though, I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of every hole in my body and IVs in both arms. The Purina diet was the latest thing, and it worked great.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way
that it works is this--

You load your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was enthralled with my story by now.)


Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food had poisoned me.

I told her no; I had been chasing a car, stopped in the middle of the parking lot to lick my rear, and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard!


WAL-MART won't let me shop there anymore.
I don't care who you are, that's funny right there!:nuts::laugh::embarrest:

[James48843]

Bernie Madoff yesterday, under intense interrogation......

5351

[Thunderhorse]

http://picayune.uclick.com/comics/crmrm/2009/crmrm090102.gif

[Thunderhorse]

http://picayune.uclick.com/comics/crmra/2008/crmra081231.gif

[Thunderhorse]

From my wanderings...

And finally, this conversation from the pokey in the hotel we’ve been staying at this week on the Gold Coast. It was the end of a long week and your editor sat down to finish a glass of red wine over a bizarre looking game that had a giant red kangaroo on it. It was called "Big Red."

"How can three eagles not win a hand," we asked the stranger to our right, trying to figure the game out?

"I don’t know. What kind of eagles are they?"

"I don’t know. I think they’re brown eagles. There’s no gold on them."

"Maybe it’s a sea eagle."

"Maybe. But...shouldn’t three eagles win something."

"Not necessarily. It looks to me like you’ve got eagles there. But you’ve also got crocodiles...boars...let’s see...I think that’s a dingo...some gum trees...a queen...and a king. So they have to fit together somehow, or else you don’t get anything."

"It sounds like a synthetic CDO?"

"Pardon?"

"Nothing...really. Nothing. Never mind." And off to bed we went.

From Dan Denning on the Gold Coast
for The Daily Reckoning Australia

http://www.dailyreckoning.com.au/the-mining-finance-black-hole/2009/02/13/ (http://www.dailyreckoning.com.au/the-mining-finance-black-hole/2009/02/13/)

[nnuut]

Even at times like this we still have Walmart!:laugh:
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Bob says to Mike behind him, 'My elbow hurts like the dickens!! I guess I'd better see a doctor.'

'Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money,' Mike replies.

'There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart (http://www.walmart.com/). Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.

It takes ten seconds and costs $10 - A lot cheaper than a doctor.'

So, Bob deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart.

He deposits $10, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

10 seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
'You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and Epsom salts found on aisle 2. Avoid heavy activity. It will improve in 2 weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.'

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Bob began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.

Bob hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. H e deposits $10, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm.. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!

Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart

[Thunderhorse]

Rough week. Still kicking!


http://home.att.net/~hideaway_today/t129/07.jpg





http://home.att.net/~hideaway_today/t129/02.jpg





http://home.att.net/~hideaway_today/t129/06.jpg





http://home.att.net/~hideaway_today/t129/01.jpg

[James48843]

If you are like me, you sit at the computer so much that you have to clear the dust off the exterior of the monitor screen from time to time.

However, until now, it has been particularly difficult to clear the INSIDE of the computer screen properly.

I have jst discovered an excellent new program that cleans the inside of your monitor, and it's quick and easy.

Simply click here to begin:
http://www.raincitystory.com/flash/screenclean.swf

[Thunderhorse]

Cool!

Worked Great!

Wait...that thing left a steaming pile behind my monitor!

What now?

[hessian]

beware of Retail Sales ploys...

aMpsVjlrMdo

[Gumby]

Those Britt's just don't know how to price their products:D

[alevin]

Communications problems. the downfall of marriages, friendships, work teams, neighbor relations, foreign relations, Yellowbeard relations! :nuts:

[James48843]

More Black Humor ...for Red days.


Ayoung cowboy from Wyoming goes off to college. Half way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money.

He calls home. "Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in Laramie that will teach our dog, Ol' Blue how to talk!"

"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?"

"Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says. "I'll get him in the course."

So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.

About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.

"So how's Ol' Blue doing son?" his father asks.

" Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!"

"Read!?" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?"

"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."

The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read.

So he shoots the dog.

When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited. "Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, "So, is your daddy still seeing that little redhead who lives in town?"

The father gasped, and exclaimed, "I hope you shot that son of a bitch before he talks to your Mother!"

"I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy!"

The kid went on to be a successful lawyer....

and then he went on to become the Governor of Illinois.

[malyla]

Hillarious political video - it's real. I really need to visit Chicago one day.

http://wheelanforcongress.com/2009/02/23/the-bright-knight/

Will Rahm clean up his potty mouth? Will Chicago elect an educated man to the House? Stay tuned. Same Bat channel, same bat time. Heh, heh, heh, heh.....

[McDuck]

http://www.tobydials.com/redstate/poster.jpg

[James48843]

Pittsfield Man Takes 'Bad Day' Out On Wal-Mart TVs

PITTSFIELD (AP) ― http://llnw.image.cbslocal.com/0/2007/02/05/175x131/images_sizedimage_036112035.jpg

Police say a Pittsfield man "having a bad day" walked into a city Wal-Mart and used an aluminum baseball bat to smash 16 flat-screen televisions worth $13,000.

Police tell The Berkshire Eagle that 26-year-old Nicholas Adornetto walked into the store at about 1 p.m. on Thursday, grabbed a bat in the sporting goods section and walked to the electronics department, where he started swinging.

Adornetto expressed anger at the government and complained of being unemployed.

Detective Sgt. Marc Strout says when police arrived, Adornetto was "peaceful, calm and cooperative."

Adornetto was arraigned Friday in Central Berkshire District Court on 16 counts of vandalizing property and one count of disorderly conduct. Bail was set at $500 and the case continued until May 11.

Adornetto did not immediately return a call.

[McDuck]

Pittsfield Man Takes 'Bad Day' Out On Wal-Mart TVs

PITTSFIELD (AP) ― http://llnw.image.cbslocal.com/0/2007/02/05/175x131/images_sizedimage_036112035.jpg

Police say a Pittsfield man "having a bad day" walked into a city Wal-Mart and used an aluminum baseball bat to smash 16 flat-screen televisions worth $13,000.

Police tell The Berkshire Eagle that 26-year-old Nicholas Adornetto walked into the store at about 1 p.m. on Thursday, grabbed a bat in the sporting goods section and walked to the electronics department, where he started swinging.

Adornetto expressed anger at the government and complained of being unemployed.

Detective Sgt. Marc Strout says when police arrived, Adornetto was "peaceful, calm and cooperative."

Adornetto was arraigned Friday in Central Berkshire District Court on 16 counts of vandalizing property and one count of disorderly conduct. Bail was set at $500 and the case continued until May 11.

Adornetto did not immediately return a call.

Jimmy,

I assume that you think that is funny.
This thread is for cartoons and light humor.

[James48843]

Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette
convertible out of the dealership.

Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
'Amazing,' he thought, as he flew down the I-75 pushing on the accelerator pedal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Florida State Trooper with blue lights flashing and his siren blaring.

He floored it to 100 mph then 110 then 120.

Suddenly he thought, 'What am I doing? I'm too old for this! So he pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.


Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the Corvette. He looked at his watch and said: 'Sir, my shift will end in 30 minutes. If you can give me a new reason for speeding --a reason I've never heard before -- I'll let you go..'



The old gentleman paused then said, 'Three years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper.

I thought you were bringing her back.'



'Have a good day, Sir,' replied the trooper.



http://fp.images.autos.msn.com/media/425x255/88/88275d388c8e4c27bba253a54416d70d.jpg

[Guest2]

'Have a good day, Sir,' replied the trooper.

CLASSIC ! ROTFLMFAO ! :nuts:

[alevin]

In honor of our beloved MIA, the last poster here. (and those others I thought of as I read this....nnutt, and Malyla, and Buster and...)

http://d.yimg.com/a/p/uc/20090510/lnq090510.gif

http://news.yahoo.com/comics/uclickcomics/20090510/cx_nq_uc/nq20090510

[Buster]

In honor of our beloved MIA, the last poster here. (and those others I thought of as I read this....nnutt, and Malyla, and Buster and...)

http://d.yimg.com/a/p/uc/20090510/lnq090510.gif

The Dog I can see is a lot like my personality..:cool:

Good call Alevin:D

[James48843]

A redneck was stopped by a game warden in Central Missouri recently with two ice chests full of fish. He was leavin ' a cove well-known for its fishing..

The game warden asked the man, ' Do you have a license to catch those fish? '

' Naw, sir ' , replied the redneck. ' I ain't got none of them there licenses. You must understand, these here are my pet fish. '

' Pet fish? '

' Yeah. Every night, I take these here fish down to the lake and let ' em swim ' round for awhile. Then, when I whistle, they jump right back into these here ice chests and I take ' em home. '

' That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that. ' the warden says.

The redneck looked at the warden for a moment and then said, ' It's the truth Mr. Government Man. I'll show ya. It really works. '

' O. K.. ' , said the warden. ' I've got to see this! '

The redneck poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited.

And waited.

And waited.

After several minutes, the warden says, ' Well? '

' Well, what? ' , says the redneck.

The warden says, ' When are you going to call them back? '

' Call who back? '

' The FISH ' , replied the warden!

' What fish? ' , replied the redneck.


Moral of the story: We may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we ain't as dumb as some government employees.

You can say what you want about the South, but you never hear of anyone retiring and moving north.

[James48843]

Reported to be an actual sign found on Canadian trail:


6843

[burrocrat]

It’s the last day of the season and the hunter calls in sick to work, thinking he’ll go out and track down that elk he missed last weekend. He hikes all day, searching for any sign of the big bull, but finds nothing. Finally, frustrated and tired, he sits down under a tree, drinks the beer he’s been carrying in his pack all day, then decides to head for the house.
Halfway up the other side of the draw he stops, figuring he might as well shoot something today, and draws a bead on the can he left lying back there, putting all three shots right on target.
As he rounds the last bend and has the pickup in sight, a huge bear comes roaring up the trail, growling and charging straight for him. Knowing he has no ammunition left, he falls to his knees and cries out ‘Oh god, please help me!’
Suddenly the bear stops and rears up on its hind legs. A booming voice scolds the man, “all your life you have disrespected the gifts I have provided you, you shirk your responsibilities at work, you spend your days drinking, you litter this beautiful forest, and now you want my help?”
Humbled, the hunter replies “you’re right lord, there’s not much hope for me and I wouldn’t make a very good Christian, but could you at least make a Christian out of this bear?”
Just then the bear clasps his paws together and starts to pray. “Thank you lord for this bounteous harvest and the food I’m about to eat.”

[James48843]

MAN what a tough day for the market. Time for some more black humor for red days...

Have you heard this one?


The latest telephone poll taken by the Governor's offices in Texas and California asked whether people who live in those states think illegal immigration is a serious problem:


29% responded, "Yes, it is a serious problem."

71% responded, "No es una problema seriosa."


Bada Bing...!

[sdouglas3]

man what a tough day for the market. Time for some more black humor for red days...

Have you heard this one?




Bada bing...!

lol :d

[James48843]

Since the market got hammered today - we need another one....


Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.

He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

This made him ..(Oh, man..., this is so bad!)...............

A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis


Arrrrgggg..........

[nasa1974]

Since the market got hammered today - we need another one....

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.

He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

This made him ..(Oh, man..., this is so bad!)...............

A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis


Arrrrgggg..........



Don't quit your day job.

[PessOptimist]

Since the market got hammered today - we need another one....

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.

He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

This made him ..(Oh, man..., this is so bad!)...............

A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis


Arrrrgggg..........


to paraphrase our favorite nanny

Even so, the sound of that is sometimes quite precocious:D:cheesy:

[Intrepid_Timer]

Apple has recalled early prototypes of their new version of the iPhone
aimed at children.

Upon reflection it was thought that "iTouch Kids" was not the best
product name.

<;o)

[WorkFE]

Double I,
Apple made a wise decision:D

[Intrepid_Timer]

Double I,
Apple made a wise decision:D


I agree................:)

[James48843]

7220

[phil]

Funny. Is that from demotivators from thinkgeek?
My favorite was a picture of one guy with an open parachute while another person hurtles past him.
Sanity Poster: Minds are like parachutes. Just because you've lost yours doesn't mean you can borrow mine.

[Viva_La_Migra]

A coworker emailed me with this one:

Katie Couric, Charlie Gibson, Brian Williams and a tough old U.S. . Marine Sergeant were captured by terrorists in Iraq . The leader of the terrorists told them he'd grant each of them one last request before they were beheaded and dragged naked through the streets.

Katie Couric said, 'Well, I'm a Southerner, so I'd like one last plate of fried chicken.'

The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the chicken. Couric ate it all and said, 'Now I can die content..'

Charlie Gibson said, 'I'm living in ' New York , so I'd like to hear the song, The Moon and Me, one last time.' The terrorist leader nodded to another terrorist who had studied the Western world and knew the music. He returned with some rag-tag musicians and played the song..

Gibson was satisfied.

Brian Williams said, 'I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen. Maybe, someday, someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end.' The leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and Williams dictated his comments..

He then said, 'Now I can die happy.'

The leader turned and asked, 'And now, Mr. U.S. Marine, what is your final wish?

'Kick me in the ass,' said the Marine.

'What?' asked the leader, 'Will you mock us in your last hour?'

'No, I'm NOT kidding. I want you to kick me in the ass,' insisted the Marine.

So the leader shoved him into the yard and kicked him in the ass.

The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9 mm pistol from inside his cammies and shot the leader dead. In the resulting confusion, he emptied his sidearm on six terrorists, then with his knife he slashed the throat of one, and with an AK-47, which he took, sprayed the rest of the terrorists killing another 11... In a flash, all of them were either dead or fleeing for their lives.

As the Marine was untying Couric, Gibson, and Williams, they asked him, 'Why didn't you just shoot them all in the first place? Why did you ask him to kick you in the ass?'

'What?' replied the Marine, 'and have you three assholes report that I was the aggressor....?'

Semper Fi!

If You Are Not Willing To Stand Behind Our Troops, Please, Please Feel Free To Stand In Front Of Them!

[grandma]

VLA: you have a mighty fine co-worker !!!

[CountryBoy]

Great one Viva. :laugh:

Something similiar

Aunt Karen

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

'Tony, do you have a story to share?'

'Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Karen. She was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops.

She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.'

'Good Heavens' said the horrified teacher. 'What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from this horrible story?'

'Stay the HELL away from Aunt Karen when she's drinking.'

[Buster]

Great one Viva. :laugh:

Something similiar

Aunt Karen

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

'Tony, do you have a story to share?'

'Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Karen. She was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops.

She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.'

'Good Heavens' said the horrified teacher. 'What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from this horrible story?'

'Stay the HELL away from Aunt Karen when she's drinking.'Dang it CB!!..I was just searching for that joke...good find!:D:D

[CountryBoy]

Dang it CB!!..I was just searching for that joke...good find!:D:D

Buster, I just got it a few days ago, sure you didn't send it to me? :laugh:

[grandma]

Buster, I just got it a few days ago, sure you didn't send it to me? :laugh:
...whatever - I sent it on ...isn't it strange what will make you gasp with laughter - just a quirk in the punch line will do it!

[CountryBoy]

One more for the weekend

Time saving house cleaning tip or how I clean my cat


1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/4 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and "rinse."

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

[grandma]

yeah, sure !
And then stay awake & alert for the next 48-72 hours for the `Revenge' ........
..then again, don't bother, the cat will just bid her time to `get you' !!
You saw the picture of the tabby with the machine gun, fangs like a tiger...!!

[Buster]

One more for the weekend

Time saving house cleaning tip or how I clean my cat


1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/4 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and "rinse."

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.
http://i16.photobucket.com/albums/b47/Atwater/giveadam.jpg

[nnuut]

Senior health care solution,according to Maxine :D

7231

Senior Health Care Solution

So you're a senior citizen and the government says no health care for you, what do you do?

Our plan gives anyone 65 years or older a gun and 4 bullets. Your are allowed to shoot 2 senators and 2 representatives. Of Course, this means you will be sent to prison.

There you will get 3 meals a day, a roof over your head, and all the health care you need! New teeth, no problem. Need glasses, great. New hip, knees, kidney, lungs, heart? All covered.

And who will be paying for all of this? The same government that just told you that you are too old for health care. Plus, because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any income taxes anymore.


IS THIS A GREAT COUNTRY OR WHAT?!

[alevin]

LOL, I luv Maxine! She's the best!

[CountryBoy]

yeah, sure !
And then stay awake & alert for the next 48-72 hours for the `Revenge' ........
..then again, don't bother, the cat will just bid her time to `get you' !!
You saw the picture of the tabby with the machine gun, fangs like a tiger...!!

I might swing'em, I wouldn't do that to a cat. ;)

[CountryBoy]

I'll have to remember Maxine's health plan, if there are any left.:laugh:

[nnuut]

:d7232

[CountryBoy]

Now I'll have nightmares.:nuts:

[Viva_La_Migra]

Senior health care solution,according to Maxine :D

7231

Senior Health Care Solution

So you're a senior citizen and the government says no health care for you, what do you do?

Our plan gives anyone 65 years or older a gun and 4 bullets. Your are allowed to shoot 2 senators and 2 representatives. Of Course, this means you will be sent to prison.

There you will get 3 meals a day, a roof over your head, and all the health care you need! New teeth, no problem. Need glasses, great. New hip, knees, kidney, lungs, heart? All covered.

And who will be paying for all of this? The same government that just told you that you are too old for health care. Plus, because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any income taxes anymore.



IS THIS A GREAT COUNTRY OR WHAT?!

I could think of many problems with this health plan, not the least of which is the type and amount of sex one would have in prison!:laugh:

[Viva_La_Migra]

I might swing'em, I wouldn't do that to a cat. ;)
You only swing the dead ones, right?

[McDuck]

http://i12.photobucket.com/albums/a242/elvis256/buzzy.jpg

[Buster]

http://i12.photobucket.com/albums/a242/elvis256/buzzy.jpg
Veedy Interestining...
http://t2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:hqniNX0Sy1vT1M:http://rowanandmartinslaughin.com/wolfgang.jpg

[CountryBoy]

You only swing the dead ones, right?

Yeah, you every try to swing a live one. :blink:

[McDuck]

Man Distracted by Bird Drives Bugatti Into Marsh (http://autos.yahoo.com/articles/autos_content_landing_pages/1163/Man-Distracted-by-Bird-Drives-Bugatti-Into-Marsh;_ylt=AlqTOXZnp9yc475AgM6PJo54N9MF;_ylv=3)

[Scout333]

Yeah, you every try to swing a live one. :blink:

I remember putting out a box trap when I was about 9 and catching a feral cat. Lots of fun trying to get him out of the trap and into a burlap sack!:D I remember telling everyone in the neighborhood I had trapped a wildcat. Plenty mad and wild but not a wildcat!:D Never did try to swing him though.

[Viva_La_Migra]

Yeah, you every try to swing a live one. :blink:
Kinda. When I was a kid my Aunt and Uncle had cat. I'm allergic to them, so I tried to stay away from it, but the little bastard attacked me when I was walking by. He had a hold of my jacket sleeve and I was spinning around trying to get him to let go. He eventually let go and went flying into the pool!:laugh: He stayed away from me after that.:D

[Buster]

One day in Court....


ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, "isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
_____________________________ _ ______________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney.
_______________________ _____________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about 20, medium height, and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?
What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And, Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

[Buster]

One day in the Cockpit....

(Problem) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement
(Solution) Almost replaced left inside main tire

(Problem) Test flight OK, except autoland very rough
(Solution) Autoland not installed on this aircraft

(Problem) #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid,
(Solution) #2 Propeller seepage normal - #1 #3 and #4 propellers lack normal seepage

(Problem) Something loose in cockpit
(Solution) Something tightened in cockpit

(Problem) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear
(Solution) Evidence removed

(Problem) DME volume unbelievably loud
(Solution) Volume set to more believable level

(Problem) Dead bugs on windshield
(Solution) Live bugs on order

(Problem) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent
(Solution) Cannot reproduce problem on ground

(Problem) IFF inoperative
(Solution) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode

(Problem) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick
(Solution) That's what they're there for

(Problem) Number three engine missing
(Solution) Engine found on right wing after brief search

(Problem) Aircraft handles funny
(Solution) Aircraft warned to straighten up, "flyright", and be serious

(Problem) Target Radar hums
(Solution) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the words

[Buster]

Two deer hunters were standing on a ridge near a highway in rural
Texas on the opening day of deer season. They both spotted a large
trophy class buck meandering towards them. As the one hunter raised
his gun to shoot, a funeral procession came slowly by.

The hunter lowered his gun, took off his hat and stood with his
head bowed until the procession was past. Of course by then, the
deer was gone.

The other hunter exclaimed "Wow! That was the most
sportsmanlike act I've ever seen! You allowed this trophy buck to
escape while showing such compassion and kindness toward someone's
dearly departed. You are a great humanitarian and a shining example
to sportsmen throughout the world!"

The first hunter nodded and said, "Well, we were married for 42 years:laugh:

[Buster]

http://i16.photobucket.com/albums/b47/Atwater/Cheney_and_Clinton_Hunt-1.jpg

That would probably be fun...:D

[burrocrat]

nice one,

see you in jail, bring the leftover quail ala king, we'll make a meal of it.

[mick504]

They can really dig in with those sharp teeth!

[Buster]

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced
enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)


If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is
produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)


The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body
to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)


A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)


A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to
death. (Creepy.) (I'm still not over the pig.)


Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour
( Don 't try this at home, maybe at work)


The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to
its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
(Honey, I'm home. What the...?!)


The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping
the length of a football field.


(30 minutes...Lucky pig! Can you imagine?)


The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds...
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)


Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life..quality over quantity)


Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)


The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm...!)


Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than
left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)


Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(Okay, so that would be a good thing)


A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)


An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)


Starfish have no brains
(I know some people like that too.)


Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)


Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)


(God love that pig!)

[nnuut]

"That's funny, I don't care who you are, that's funny right there now." (Larry the Cable Guy):laugh::laugh::laugh: 7846

[Birchtree]

Better still, a 40 year old woman is insatiable - that's what I want, forget the pig.

[Buster]

Louisiana Ghost Story ( a true story)
>>
>> This happened about 6 months ago on Louisiana Hwy 57, just outside of
>> Dulac, a little town in the bayou country of Louisiana , and while it
>> sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's real.
>>
>> An Ohio businessman, Saul Rubins, abandoned his disabled vehicle on the
>> side of the road, and attempted to hitchhike. The night was pitch dark in
>> the middle of a thunderstorm. Time passed slowly and no cars went by. It
>> was raining so hard he could hardly see his hand in front of his face.
>>
>> Suddenly, through the sheets of rain, he saw a car moving slowly,
>> approaching and appearing ghostlike in the rain. It slowly and silently
>> crept toward him and stopped. Desperately needing a ride, Saul jumped in
>> the car and closed the door.
>>
>> Only then did he realize that there was no one behind the wheel and no
>> sound of an engine to be heard over the rain.
>>
>> Again the car crept silently forward and Saul was terrified, too scared to
>> think of jumping out and running.. He saw that the car was approaching a
>> sharp curve and, still too scared to jump out, he started to pray and beg
>> for his life; he was sure the ghost car would go off the road and into the
>> bayou and he would then drown!
>>
>> But just before the curve, a shadowy hand appeared at the driver's window,
>> reached in and turned the steering wheel, guiding the car safely around
>> the bend. Then, just as silently, the hand disappeared through the window
>> and Saul was alone again.
>>
>> Paralyzed with fear, Saul watched the hand reappear every time they
>> reached a curve. Finally, scared nearly to death, Saul had all he could
>> take, jumped out of the car, and ran to town.
>>
>> Wet and in shock, he went into bar called Fishermen's Point. Voice
>> quavering, he ordered two cups of coffee, black, and then told everybody
>> about his supernatural experience.
>>
>> The room became silent and everybody got goose bumps when they realized
>> Saul was telling the truth (and not just some drunk).
>>
>> About 30 minutes later two Cajuns, dripping wet, walked into Fisherman's
>> Point and one says to the other, "Look, Boudreaux, ....deers dat idiot
>> what rode in our car when we wuz pushin' it in the rain!!!"

[McDuck]

a 40 year old woman is insatiable

Yeah? What's her name and phone number?

[McDuck]

I question the accuracy of some of this information. (Sorry Buster. I still think you're an all-right guy.)


If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced
enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)


If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is
produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)


The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body
to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)


A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)


A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to
death. (Creepy.) (I'm still not over the pig.)


Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour
( Don 't try this at home, maybe at work)


The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to
its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
(Honey, I'm home. What the...?!)


The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping
the length of a football field.


(30 minutes...Lucky pig! Can you imagine?)


The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds...
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)


Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life..quality over quantity)


Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)


The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm...!)


Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than
left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)


Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(Okay, so that would be a good thing)


A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)


An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)


Starfish have no brains
(I know some people like that too.)


Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)


Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)


(God love that pig!)

[McDuck]

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.


from wikipedia:
As with other cats, the male lion's penis has spines which point backwards. Upon withdrawal of the penis, the spines rake the walls of the female's vagina, which may cause ovulation. A lioness may mate with more than one male when she is in heat; during a mating bout, which could last several days, the couple copulates twenty to forty times a day and are likely to forgo eating.

[grandma]

[QUOTE=Buster;249514] Louisiana Ghost Story ( a true story)[QUOTE]

Buster, that is hilalrious !
7887

You know it is true - because... ?
c'm on, 'fess up !!!:toung:

[McDuck]

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

TMZ says that Tiger does it about that often also.

[nnuut]

What the HELL! That's the difference between us and wild animals, we get it right the first time!!:)

[James48843]

The economy is so bad that:
...I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail (bada bing....)

...I ordered a burger at McDonald's and the kid behind the counter asked,

"Can you afford fries with that?" (bada bing...)

...CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

...If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them

and

ask if they meant you or them. :D

...Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.. (bada bing..)

...McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

...Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannnies and learned their children's names.

...A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico

...Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.

...Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.

...The Mafia is laying off judges.

...Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

...Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal.

Oh Great!! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!

And, finally...

...I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Lifeline. I got a call center in Pakistan , and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

[McDuck]

The economy is so bad that:
...I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail (bada bing....)

...I ordered a burger at McDonald's and the kid behind the counter asked,

"Can you afford fries with that?" (bada bing...)

...CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

...If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them

and

ask if they meant you or them. :D

...Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.. (bada bing..)

...McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

...Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannnies and learned their children's names.

...A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico

...Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.

...Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.

...The Mafia is laying off judges.

...Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

...Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal.

Oh Great!! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!

And, finally...

...I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Lifeline. I got a call center in Pakistan , and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

Sounds like all that hope and change ain't working out for you James. We tried to tell you.

[McDuck]

The economy is so bad that:

...Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.



...Jessie Jackson said he wanted to do to his stockbroker the same thing that he said he wanted to do to BHO.

[McDuck]

The economy is so bad that:
...Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM..

That's due to the Union Bosses that destroyed GM.

[McDuck]

The economy is so bad that:

...Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

ACORN bought 'em up and doubled their salary.

[McDuck]

The economy is so bad that:I got a call center in Pakistan , and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

Only a Dim would think that was funny.

[Buster]

Adding a couple more..

The economy is so bad that: I have to FART to get a scent in my pocket.

The economy is so bad that: I can't pay attention.

[James48843]

Church



One Sunday morning, a mother went in to wake her son and tell him it was time to get ready for church, to which he replied, "I'm not going."






"Why not?" she asked.







I'll give you two good reasons," he said. "(1), they don't like me, and (2), I don't like them."






His mother replied, "I'll give YOU two good reasons why YOU SHOULD go to church.
(1) You're 59 years old, and (2) you're the pastor!"

[Buster]

I can't help but wonder.....

1. About those people who spend $2.00 a piece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

3. If the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the 'Jags' and theTampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the 'Bucs,' what does that make the Tennessee Titans?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

4. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

5. That there are three religious truths:
A. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
B. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
C. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or Hooters.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

6. If people from Poland are called Poles,why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

7. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

8. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

9 Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car is not called a racist?
* ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

10. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

11. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follows that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
*~*~*~*~*~*~ ~*~*~*~*

12. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

13. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

14. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

15. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me, they're cramming for their final exam.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

16. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? toothpicks?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

17. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

18. Wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

19. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

20. At income tax time, did you ever notice: When you put the two words'The' and 'IRS' together it spells....
'THEIRS'?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~**~*

21. If Olive oil come from Olives, Corn oil comes from corn, Where does Baby oil come from?

[nnuut]

#10. 11 should be = oneteen, 12 = twoteen:D

[James48843]

7. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

I think I know why that pig lost it's voice!

[grandma]

Cardiologist and Mechanic

A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley
motorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop. The
cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look
at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the Garage,
'Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?'

The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked,
'So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves
out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new.

So how come I make $39,000 a year and you get $2,000,000, when you and I are doing basically the same work?'

The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the
mechanic.......... "Try doing it with the engine running."

[alevin]

I can't help but wonder.....

1. About those people who spend $2.00 a piece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

3. If the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the 'Jags' and theTampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the 'Bucs,' what does that make the Tennessee Titans?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

4. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

5. That there are three religious truths:
A. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
B. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
C. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or Hooters.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

6. If people from Poland are called Poles,why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

7. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

8. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

9 Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car is not called a racist?
* ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

10. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

11. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follows that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
*~*~*~*~*~*~ ~*~*~*~*

12. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

13. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

14. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

15. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me, they're cramming for their final exam.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

16. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? toothpicks?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

17. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

18. Wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

19. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

20. At income tax time, did you ever notice: When you put the two words'The' and 'IRS' together it spells....
'THEIRS'?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~**~*

21. If Olive oil come from Olives, Corn oil comes from corn, Where does Baby oil come from?

OK, Buster, that was an EXcellent post! Will keep me going all day, any day-I just need to go back and re-read whenever I need a lighter moment. Especially the one about swimming pools, you have no idea how true that one is in NV restaurants. :laugh:

[grandma]

http://tinyurl.com/ybtz4t2

Fun at the airport!

[James48843]

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

'What are you doing?' she asked.

'Hunting Flies' he responded.

'Oh! Killing any?' she asked.

'Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,' he replied.


http://f1132.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=1%5f2374035%5fAKOkiGIAACiKS1pSGAaGTQt sMyM&pid=2.5&fid=Inbox&inline=1

Intrigued, she asked,
'How can you tell them apart?'

He responded,
'3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone.'

[Buster]

One evening a grandson was talking to his grandfather about current events.

The grandson asked his grandfather what he thought about the shootings at schools, the computer age, and just things in general.


The Grandfather replied, "Well, let me think a minute, I was born before
frozen foods


Xerox


contact lenses


Frisbees and


the pill


There were no:


credit cards


laser beams or


ball-point pens


Man had not invented:


pantyhose
air conditioners


dishwashers


clothes dryers


and the clothes were hung out to dry in the fresh air and


man hadn't yet walked on the moon



Your Grandmother and I got married first, and then lived together.


Every family had a father and a mother.


Until I was 25, I called every man older than me, "Sir".
And after I turned 25, I still called policemen and every man with a title, "Sir."


We were before gay-rights, computer- dating, dual careers, daycare centers, and group therapy.


Our lives were governed by the Ten Commandments, good judgment, and common sense.


We were taught to know the difference between right and wrong and to stand up and take responsibility for our actions.


Serving your country was a privilege; living in this country was a bigger privilege.


We thought fast food was what people ate during Lent.


Having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with your cousins.




Draft dodgers were those who closed front doors as the evening breeze started.


Time-sharing meant time the family spent together in the evenings and weekends-not purchasing condominiums.</SPAN>


We never heard of FM radios, tape decks, CDs, electric typewriters, yogurt, or guys wearing earrings.




We listened to Big Bands, Jack Benny, and the President's speeches on our radios.


And I don't ever remember any kid blowing his brains out listening to Tommy Dorsey.


If you saw anything with 'Made in Japan ' on it, it was junk


The term 'making out' referred to how you did on your school exam


Pizza Hut, McDonald's, and instant coffee were unheard of.


We had 5 &10-cent stores where you could actually buy things for 5 and 10 cents.


Ice-cream cones, phone calls, rides on a streetcar, and a Pepsi were all a nickel.


And if you didn't want to splurge, you could spend your nickel on enough stamps to mail 1 letter and 2 postcards.


You could buy a new Chevy Coupe for $600, but who could afford one?
Too bad, because gas was 11 cents a gallon.


In my day:


"grass" was mowed,


"coke" was a cold drink,


"pot" was something your mother cooked in and


"rock music" was your grandmother's lullaby.


"Aids" were helpers in the Principal's office,


" chip" meant a piece of wood,


"hardware" was found in a hardware store and


"software" wasn't even a word.


And we were the last generation to actually believe that a lady needed a husband to have a baby.


No wonder people call us "old and confused" and say there is a generation gap. and how old do you think I am?


I bet you have this old man in mind...you are in for a shock!


Read on to see -- pretty scary if you think about it and pretty sad at the same time.


Are you ready ?????




This man would be only 59 years old.

[PessOptimist]

C'mon Buster, cute but we have all seen it before. The time line is distorted and the kid asked what Grampa thought, not what life was like when he was born. I seriously doubt a 59 year old remembers much about the big band era and likely had a tryst with Grandma before they were married in his or his parents car while listening to 3 dog night. All the things mentioned happened in this 59 year old's life time. If you are going to recycle old stuff, at least up date it.

From a 58 year old.:D:laugh:

[Buster]

Blonde Crabs



A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crab and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.

Shortly before landing in New York , she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans please raise your hand?" Not one hand went up... so she took them home and ate them.

Two lessons here:

1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.

2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folks think are.

[Buster]

C'mon Buster, cute but we have all seen it before. The time line is distorted and the kid asked what Grampa thought, not what life was like when he was born. I seriously doubt a 59 year old remembers much about the big band era and likely had a tryst with Grandma before they were married in his or his parents car while listening to 3 dog night. All the things mentioned happened in this 59 year old's life time. If you are going to recycle old stuff, at least up date it.

From a 58 year old.:D:laugh:

Grow up...:D:D

[James48843]

8120

[PessOptimist]

Grow up...:D:D

Way too late for that. Also too late for me to learn to sit back, read, enjoy and not reply when I'm cranky.

[Buster]

Way too late for that. Also too late for me to learn to sit back, read, enjoy and not reply when I'm cranky.


No worries...I know exactly what you mean..;):)

[Bluehenge]

:eek: :eek: :eek: :laugh:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cqZ_ANc_WiU

[James48843]

8201

Memory was something you lost with age

An application was for employment

A program was a TV show

A cursor used profanity

A keyboard was a piano

A web was a spider's home

A virus was the flu

A CD was a bank account

A hard drive was a long trip on the road

A mouse pad was where a mouse lived


And if you had a 3.5 inch floppy, you hoped no one would find out.

[Buster]

A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house.

She knocked on the door and then immediately walked in.
She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
"What are you doing?!" she asked.
"I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress," she explained.
"It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress,
he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end.
He can't get enough of me"

The mother-in-law left.

When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume,
dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch,
waiting for her husband to arrive.
Finally, her husband came home.
He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress." she whispered sensually.

"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?



He never heard the gunshot

http://www.antimonkeybutt.com/index.php?src=

[nnuut]

You think you have lived to be 75 and know who you are, then along comes someone and blows it all to hell!

An old Pilot sat down in a Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him...

She turned to the pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes; Cubs, Aeronca's, Neiuports, flew A-6 Attack aircraft in Vietnam, taught 50 people to fly and gave rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot.'

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I’m a lesbian.'
Damn, me to?:laugh:

[Buster]

Never fart while wearing a wet suit...

http://i16.photobucket.com/albums/b47/Atwater/fart.jpg

[nnuut]

Never fart while wearing a wet suit...

http://i16.photobucket.com/albums/b47/Atwater/fart.jpg
That's a BIG ONE!!!:laugh:

[James48843]

Another red day. Arrgggg.

Calls for something to relax one self- like going fishing:

A few tips that might make your fishing experience more enjoyable.

http://www.wimp.com/classicbloopers/ (http://www.wimp.com/classicbloopers/)

[nnuut]

Good one, Bill is a trip! LOL:laugh::laugh:

[Buster]

Little Melissa comes home from 1st grade & tells her father that they
learned about the history of Valentine's Day.

'Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint, and we're Jewish,' she
asks, 'Will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?

Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says: 'No, I don't think God would
get mad. Whom do you want to give a Valentine to?'

'Osama Bin Laden,' she says.

'Why Osama Bin Laden?' her father asks in shock.

'Well,' she says, 'I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could
have enough love to give Osama a Valentine, he might start to think that
maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit.

And if other kids saw what I did and sent Valentines to Osama, he'd love
everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell
everyone how much he loved them, and how he didn't hate anyone anymore.'

Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with new found
pride.. 'Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I have ever heard.'

'I know, ' Melissa says, 'and once that gets him out in the open, the
Marines could blow his ass to little bits

[James48843]

This is neat. You can type in something, and have her say ANYTHING you want her to say. :D

She will say anything you type. I sure don't know how they do this! When you move the mouse around, her eyes follow the pointer. When you write something in the left space and then click on 'Say it,' she says it!
You can also change persons doing the talking and the language they speak.
Technology! Wow !!

CLICK HERE (http://www.oddcast.com/home/demos/tts/frameset.php?frame1=talk)

[XL-entLady]

This is neat. You can type in something, and have her say ANYTHING you want her to say. :D



Spouse was sitting in the room with me when I read this. I programmed the site to say something to him that he is NOT used to hearing from a computer! :nuts: Great fun! :)

Lady

[grandma]

Fascinating!
Tigerdirect.com has a gizmo you do the talking & the computer types what you say - this is that in reverse!! It costs, tho! :D
How would an ordinary user make use of this Julie speech thing?

[burrocrat]

ha! that's good. i just typed in a single space and the silence was golden, she just looked around all confused.

what do you tell an AI with two black eyes?

nothing, it obviously don't listen.

[CountryBoy]

Little Melissa comes home from 1st grade & tells her father that they
learned about the history of Valentine's Day.

'Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint, and we're Jewish,' she
asks, 'Will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?

Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says: 'No, I don't think God would
get mad. Whom do you want to give a Valentine to?'

'Osama Bin Laden,' she says.

'Why Osama Bin Laden?' her father asks in shock.

'Well,' she says, 'I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could
have enough love to give Osama a Valentine, he might start to think that
maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit.

And if other kids saw what I did and sent Valentines to Osama, he'd love
everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell
everyone how much he loved them, and how he didn't hate anyone anymore.'

Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with new found
pride.. 'Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I have ever heard.'

'I know, ' Melissa says, 'and once that gets him out in the open, the
Marines could blow his ass to little bits

:laugh: That caused me to spewed my coffee on my screen. Good one, I'll borrow that joke. :D I'm a little behinds on the joke thread.

[Buster]

amazing simple home remedies:


1. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.


2. Avoid arguments with the females about lifting the toilet seat by using
the sink.


3. For high blood pressure sufferers ~ simply cut yourself and bleed for a
few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. Remember to use a
timer.


4. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from
rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.


5. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you'll be
afraid to cough.


6. You only need two tools in life - wd-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move
and should, use the wd-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.


7. If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.





thought for the day:


some people are like slinkies - not really good for anything, but they bring
a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs.

[CountryBoy]

AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES:


1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.


2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING
THE SINK.


3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A
FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A
TIMER.


4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM
ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.


5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE
AFRAID TO COUGH.


6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE
AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.


7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.





THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:


SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING, BUT THEY BRING
A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.


:laugh::laugh: You are on a roll brother.

[Frixxxx]

+100 Buster:laugh:

[Buster]

Y'all know you shouldn't encourage me...:D

Nurses Aren't Supposed To Laugh.......


'Okay then,' said Dave, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest


'man-thingy' the nurse had ever seen. Length and width, it couldn't have been bigger

than a AAA battery.

Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling, then fell to the floor laughing.



Ten minutes later, she was able to struggle to her feet and regain her composure.



'I am so sorry,' she said. 'I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse

and a lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?'


'It's swollen,' Dave replied.


She ran out of the room.

[tsptalk]

I see Lady had to bring out the eraser. Here's the rules she is referring to:


The basic rules are fairly simple in principle:

1. Be polite and respectful.

2. Conduct yourself generally as you would at any professional encounter with respected colleagues.

3. Harassment and irritation of other members will not be tolerated. Please try to avoid offending other members. We understand that you cannot please every one all the time. However, when we get a variety of similar complaints, a review will be conducted.

4. If you see a post that appears to violate any of our guidelines, do not respond to the post, or any offensive post. Send a Report Post or a private message to the administrator or moderator(s) notifying them of the subject post.

11. Treat others as you would like to be treated.

Thank you

[CountryBoy]

Little Johnny is not an Obama fan

A teacher asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Obama
fans.

Not really knowing what an Obama fan is, but wanting to be liked by
the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for Little Johnny.

The teacher asked Little Johnny why he has decided to be
different... again.

Little Johnny said, "Because I'm not an Obama fan."

The teacher asked, "Why aren't you a fan of Obama?" Johnny said,
"Because I'm a Republican."

The teacher asked him why he's a Republican.. Little Johnny
answered, "Well, my Mom's a Republican and my Dad's a Republican, so I'm a
Republican."

Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, "If your mom were a moron
and your dad were an idiot, what would that make you?"

With a big smile, Little Johnny replied, "That would make me an
Obama fan."

[Frixxxx]

Little Johnny is not an Obama fan ........

Now that sir, is funny, I don't care who you are!!!!!:laugh:

[CountryBoy]

Now that sir, is funny, I don't care who you are!!!!!:laugh:

Thanks Frixxxx,

But actually a liberal friend, that has a sense of humor, yeah I know, sent it to me and said just change the names to suit my side. Even when I got it first, it was funny.

You gotta be able to laugh at yourself. :cool: If not, you are a sad person. Bush's butchering of the english language always got me laughing, the Norm Crosby ( for us old farts) of politics.

Have a good weekend bud,

CB

[burrocrat]

Little Joanie's parents raised her right, to believe in herself, and that she could accomplish anything she set out to do. They scrimped and saved so she could have a better life. Despite the years of tuition, books, and room and board, not to mention the late nights spent out on the wrong side of town, Joanie is now almost ready to graduate. Only three more questions on the final exam:

What is the procedure when the swollen nodules in the back of the throat are removed?

Tonsilectomy.


What is the surgical remedy for a patient with continuing severe stomach pain and high fever?

Appendectomy.


What do you call it when a man trapped in a woman's body their whole life has gender reassignment surgery?

Addadictomy.

[Buster]

Burr, you reminded me of this one:


What do you call a Nun who had a Sex Change operation?
















ready, wait for it






















A Transister

[Birchtree]

You guys are killing me this morning.

[CountryBoy]

A blind man wanders into an all-girls biker bar by mistake... He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you. Wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The whole bar immediately falls very silent. In a very deep, husky
voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I
think it is only fair -- given that you are blind -- that you should
know five things:

1. The bartender is a blond girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that
joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, "No... Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

[James48843]

WARNING:



If you get an email titled "Nude photo of Nancy Pelosi",

DON'T open it!

It contains...


a nude photo of Nancy Pelosi.

[James48843]

8523

[merlin]

Little Johnny is not an Obama fan

A teacher asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Obama
fans.

Not really knowing what an Obama fan is, but wanting to be liked by
the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for Little Johnny.

The teacher asked Little Johnny why he has decided to be
different... again.

Little Johnny said, "Because I'm not an Obama fan."

The teacher asked, "Why aren't you a fan of Obama?" Johnny said,
"Because I'm a Republican."

The teacher asked him why he's a Republican.. Little Johnny
answered, "Well, my Mom's a Republican and my Dad's a Republican, so I'm a
Republican."

Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, "If your mom were a moron
and your dad were an idiot, what would that make you?"

With a big smile, Little Johnny replied, "That would make me an
Obama fan."
That was good...my wife laughed our _sses off.

[merlin]

CB you are a good Ole cuss.

[Buster]

Money Talks...

A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He said, 'Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!'

The preacher said, 'Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity.'

The man said, 'I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!'

The preacher said, 'No sh!t?'

[Buster]

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. 'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?' After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, 'Wedding Cake.'

[Viva_La_Migra]

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. 'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?' After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, 'Wedding Cake.'
Thanks Buster. I needed a good laugh.

[CountryBoy]

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. 'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?' After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, 'Wedding Cake.'

Thank ya for the compliment merlin and Buster and good laugh is the best way to start off a morning. Thank ya. :D

[James48843]

A A A D D







KNOW THE SYMPTOMS......


Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder.
Somehow I feel better even though I have it!!

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. -
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

As I start toward the garage,
I notice mail on the porch table that
I brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys on the table,
put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,
and notice that the can is full.

So I decide to put the bills back on the table & take out the garbage first.

But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox
when I take out the garbage anyway,
I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my check book off the table,
and see that there is only one check left.
My extra checks are in my desk in the study,
so I go inside the house to my desk where
I find the can of Pepsi I'd been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks,
but first I need to push the Pepsi aside
so that I don't accidentally knock it over.
The Pepsi is getting warm.


I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi,
a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye.


They need water.
I put the Pepsi on the counter and
discover my reading glasses that
I've been searching for all morning.



I decide I better put them back on my desk,
but first I'm going to water the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the counter,
fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote
someone had left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV,
I'll be looking for the remote,
but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table,
so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs..


But first I'll water the flowers.
I pour some water in the flowers.
Quite a bit of it spills on the floor.
So, I set the remote back on the table,
get some towels and wipe up the spill.
Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:
the car isn't washed
the bills aren't paid
there is a warm can of
Pepsi sitting on the counter
the flowers don't have enough water,
there is still only 1 check in my check book,
I can't find the remote,
I can't find my glasses,
and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.






Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done,
I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day,
and I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem,
and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.....

Do me a favor.
Forward this message to everyone you know,
because I don't remember who I've sent it to.

[nasa1974]

James, Very good. Had a great laugh this morning. I will pass this along for sure because I know someone like this. ME!!! I will send this along in a minute the phone is ringing.

[CapeChem]

Hello, my name is capechem and i have AAADD........oh and by the way i had to scroll back up the page because i forgot the name of the disease....

[alevin]

I'm like this many days. If I was 30 years older, someone would think I had alzheimers, even tho it's just normal me. At least I don't repeat myself every 5 minutes (sometimes I'm tempted to tho :toung:).

[XL-entLady]

I'm like this many days. If I was 30 years older, someone would think I had alzheimers, even tho it's just normal me. At least I don't repeat myself every 5 minutes (sometimes I'm tempted to tho :toung:).
Yeah, I hear you, I have to catch myself to keep from repeating myself too. :D I also have AAADD, so I got a great laugh out of that, and I'll forward it to folks as soon as I finish this work memo. And I have to catch myself to keep from repeating myself, too. :nuts:

Lady

[nnuut]

Yeah and a little Dyslexia doesn't make things easier!:sick: 8652

[XL-entLady]

Yeah and a little Dyslexia doesn't make things easier!:sick:
Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic amnesiac who couldn't remember why he wondered if there was a Dog? :D

[nnuut]

I've been dogged before but left the broom outside and how do you lleps Msspelled?:sick: Wait, whwre was I?:confused:

[Buster]

How too many beers work..

http://i16.photobucket.com/albums/b47/Atwater/HowBeerWorks1.jpg

[CountryBoy]

How too many beers work..

http://i16.photobucket.com/albums/b47/Atwater/HowBeerWorks1.jpg

Good one Buster,

That'll bring on a case of coyote love in the morning. :nuts:

[Buster]

Good one Buster,

That'll bring on a case of coyote love in the morning. :nuts:

You mean like this?:D

1PkBbMizrtU

[Frixxxx]

A horse walks into a bar.


Bartender says," Why the long face?":suspicious:

[nnuut]

:d8688

[nnuut]

8689

[grandma]

the bathroom updating getting you down, boy???:D

[nnuut]

the bathroom updating getting you down, boy???:D
The bathroom is history, and the wife loves it she said it looks right out of HGTV!! The kitchen is looming on the horizon!:D

[Buster]

Happy ST. Patrick's Day


A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.

He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!

Glasgow cop says, ' Licence and registration, please.'

London Lawyer says, 'What for?'

Glasgow cop says, 'Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign.'

London Lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'

Glasgow cop says, 'Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. Licence and registration, please.'

London Lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'

Glasgow cop says, 'The difference is, ye huvte to come to complete stop, that's the law, Licence and registration, please!'

London Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration;and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'

Glasgow cop says, 'Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir. 'The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.

The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the crap out of the lawyer and says, 'Dae ye want me to stop now, or just slow doon?'

[XL-entLady]

In honor of my mood tonight:

What's the difference between a pit bull and a menopausal woman?

Lipstick


:rolleyes:

[Buster]

In honor of my mood tonight:

What's the difference between a pit bull and a menopausal woman?

Lipstick


:rolleyes:
Now that's my girl...:D:D

[Buster]

When not to Hyphenate (continued)


http://i16.photobucket.com/albums/b47/Atwater/h8.jpg

http://i16.photobucket.com/albums/b47/Atwater/h7.jpg

http://i16.photobucket.com/albums/b47/Atwater/h6.jpg

http://i16.photobucket.com/albums/b47/Atwater/h5.jpg

[Buster]

When not to Hyphenate



http://i16.photobucket.com/albums/b47/Atwater/h4.jpg

http://i16.photobucket.com/albums/b47/Atwater/h3.jpg



http://i16.photobucket.com/albums/b47/Atwater/h1.jpg

[CountryBoy]

Check out line at Wal-Mart

I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Purina at Big W and standing in line to check out. A person behind me asked if I had a dog.
On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and I.V.s in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.
Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned.

I told her no; it was because I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me. I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.

[Birchtree]

Geesus I laughed for several minutes.

[Viva_La_Migra]

Check out line at Wal-Mart

I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Purina at Big W and standing in line to check out. A person behind me asked if I had a dog.
On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and I.V.s in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.
Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned.

I told her no; it was because I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me. I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.
I don't care who you are, that's funny right there!:laugh:

[Buster]

Oil Change instructions for Women:

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.

2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave, driving a properly maintained vehicle.
Money spent:
Oil Change:
$30.00
Coffee: $1.00
Total: $31.00
==========






Oil Change instructions for Men:
1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, use your debit card for $50.00.
2) Stop and buy a case of beer, (debit $20), drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
18) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
19) Remember drain plug from step 11..
20) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
21) Drink beer.
22) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
23) Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.
24) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.
25) Begin cussing fit.
26) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
27) Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy..
28) Beer.
29) Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
30) Beer.
31) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil..
32) Beer.
33) Lower car from jack stands.
34) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.
35) Beer.
36) Test drive car.
37) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
38) Car gets impounded.
39) Call loving wife, make bail.
40) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.




Money spent:

Parts: $50.00

DUI: $2500.00
Impound fee: $75.00
Bail: $1500.00
Beer: $20..00
Total: $4,145.00
But you know the job was done right!

[grandma]

Buster, THAT was funny !:laugh:

[James48843]

You're not going to believe this- but it's true-

I just spent the last hour changing the oil on my tractor- and now I am driving up to the autoparts store again to buy a copper washer (dropped and lost the old one in the grass when taking out the drain plug) and another quart of oil- because I only had 4, and it takes 5.

I am not kidding.

[James48843]

And I had to use a crescent wrench because I couldn't find my box-end wrench. I am not kidding.

Buster - you floor me.

[Buster]

And I had to use a crescent wrench because I couldn't find my box-end wrench. I am not kidding.

Buster - you floor me.
:D:D:D

We men are all alike my friend:D

[alevin]

http://www.theonion.com/articles/national-parks-closed-for-annual-remajestification,17484/

for those of you hitting the road for a favorite Nat. Park this weekend...watch out for the skunk washers! :nuts:

[XL-entLady]

http://www.theonion.com/articles/national-parks-closed-for-annual-remajestification,17484/

for those of you hitting the road for a favorite Nat. Park this weekend...watch out for the skunk washers! :nuts:
Allie, that one made me laugh out loud! People really don't understand that our National Parks are natural places. One time a woman chewed me out over the phone because the NPS had made Dinosaur National Monument too far away from interstates. I wanted to tell her that the next time we had a dinosaur die-off we'd make sure it was closer to a highway. :D

[Buster]

What's a Skunk Washer?..that's a new one for me..:confused:

[grandma]

What's a Skunk Washer?..that's a new one for me..

Are you sure you aren't just feigning innocence..?
...that you haven't been on the receiving end...
........at some time in your adult manly life ?? :D:nuts::laugh:;)

[Buster]

Are you sure you aren't just feigning innocence..?
...that you haven't been on the receiving end...
........at some time in your adult manly life ?? :nuts::laugh:;)


No..really, I'm being sincere...

Now I'm really intrigued..must wiki this:nuts:

[grandma]

Well, considering the different activities of the variety of
National Park Employees getting ready for the summer tourists:

as noted in TheOnion.com article -

it would seem `skunk washer' would be quite appropriate for the forestry service; most probably start with the parents, and let them teach and do by example the offspring....

:):rolleyes::) :toung:

[alevin]

Poor Buster, :laugh: my sense of humor was at play. You've got to read the article-only then will you get it. At least I HOPE you do. If not, we definitely got to get you outdoors more often after you've retired. And off the ORV on foot. :D

[Buster]

Poor Buster, :laugh: my sense of humor was at play. You've got to read the article-only then will you get it. At least I HOPE you do. If not, we definitely got to get you outdoors more often after you've retired. And off the ORV on foot. :D
From the gist of it..you must be talking about getting sprayed by a Skunk...Well my dear ladies, I have learned from an early age never to mess with a Skunk or get close enough to one for them to spray me...So I guess the laugh is on you all..Because I'm smart enough to know when to stay away from them critters.

[James48843]

Is "skunk washer" one of those "other duties as assigned"?

[XL-entLady]

Is "skunk washer" one of those "other duties as assigned"?
Yes, just like turning the wheel that starts and stops Old Faithful. :laugh:

[grandma]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=REQRHdMRimw

forgive me if I'd posted this at another time...

[grandma]

$74.42/3months, that's not a bad grocery bill --- :rolleyes:

http://www.funpic.hu/en.picview.php?id=38952&c=-1&s=dd&p=1

[PessOptimist]

Please fellow feds who work for the NPS. I have never been to Jelleystone before. Can you get me an inside look at the trap cleaners and wheel turner's jobs?

I would also appreciate an opportunity to meet Yogi, BooBoo and especially Mr. Ranger.

[XL-entLady]

Please fellow feds who work for the NPS. I have never been to Jelleystone before. Can you get me an inside look at the trap cleaners and wheel turner's jobs?

I would also appreciate an opportunity to meet Yogi, BooBoo and especially Mr. Ranger.
Hah! Good one! I've still got some contacts at Jellystone and could arrange this tour of which you speak. But you'd have to leave home your pickanick basket.

[James48843]

2ZQy4U-Xlqc

[grandma]

cellphone eavesdropping CMT.com

http://tinyurl.com/yh6ma4h :nuts:

[CountryBoy]

EMBARRASSING MEDICAL EXAMS

1. A man comes into the ER and yells . . ' My wife's going to have her baby in the cab.' I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - - - and I was in the wrong one.

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Francisco


2... At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. 'Big breaths,'. . . I instructed. 'Yes, they used to be,'. . replied the patient.

Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle , WA




3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.'

Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg



4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. . ' Which one ?'. .. . I asked. 'The patch... The Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it !' I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk , VA


5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, 'How long have you been bedridden?' After a look of complete confusion she answered . . . ' Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive.'

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson- Corvallis , OR


6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked . . .' So how's your breakfast this morning?' ' It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste.'. .. . Bob replied. I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labeled 'KY Jelly.'

Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit ,


7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered ... . . It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery.. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it there was a tattoo that read . . .' Keep off the grass.' Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said 'Sorry . . . had to mow the lawn.'

Submitted by RN no name,


8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB. I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams... To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said. . . ' I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?' She replied with tears running down her cheeks from laughing so hard . . . ' No doctor but the song you were whistling was . . . ' I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener.' '

Dr. wouldn't submit his name....


AND FINALLY!! ! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Baby's First Doctor Visit This made me laugh out loud. I hope it will give you a smile!

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed. 'Breast-fed, ' she replied.. 'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered. She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.' I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma, But I'm glad I came.

[crws]

My Mom is a retired RN and will love these-
Thanks!

[nnuut]

Your government at work...
9595
You will love this one, I haven't stop laughing yet.....

For those of you who have never traveled to the west, or southwest, cattle guards are horizontal steel rails placed at fence openings, in dug-out places in the roads adjacent to highways (sometimes across highways), to prevent cattle from crossing over that area. For some reason the cattle will not step on the "guards," probably because they fear getting their feet caught between the rails.

A few months ago, President Obama received and was reading a report that there were over 100,000 cattle guards in Colorado .Colorado ranchers had protested his proposed changes in grazing policies, so he ordered the Secretary of the Interior to fire half of the "cattle" guards immediately!!

Before the Secretary of the Interior could respond and presumably try to straighten him out, Vice-President, Joe Biden, intervened with a request that.. before any "cattle" guards were fired, they be given six months of retraining.
And these guys are running our country, OMG!!

Passed on to you without further comment....

[CountryBoy]

Your government at work...
9595
You will love this one, I haven't stop laughing yet.....

For those of you who have never traveled to the west, or southwest, cattle guards are horizontal steel rails placed at fence openings, in dug-out places in the roads adjacent to highways (sometimes across highways), to prevent cattle from crossing over that area. For some reason the cattle will not step on the "guards," probably because they fear getting their feet caught between the rails.

A few months ago, President Obama received and was reading a report that there were over 100,000 cattle guards in Colorado .Colorado ranchers had protested his proposed changes in grazing policies, so he ordered the Secretary of the Interior to fire half of the "cattle" guards immediately!!

Before the Secretary of the Interior could respond and presumably try to straighten him out, Vice-President, Joe Biden, intervened with a request that.. before any "cattle" guards were fired, they be given six months of retraining.
And these guys are running our country, OMG!!

Passed on to you without further comment....


Great joke and this is our leadership. :nuts: We have cattle guards here in the east and midwest also, but they haven't received any training yet, and they are still on the job. :laugh: Lets not get any facts, just knee jerk reaction to questioning the almighty one's order, because after he knows better.

Now wait for it. :D

CB

[kar_crazy]

Your government at work...
9595
You will love this one, I haven't stop laughing yet.....

For those of you who have never traveled to the west, or southwest, cattle guards are horizontal steel rails placed at fence openings, in dug-out places in the roads adjacent to highways (sometimes across highways), to prevent cattle from crossing over that area. For some reason the cattle will not step on the "guards," probably because they fear getting their feet caught between the rails.

A few months ago, President Obama received and was reading a report that there were over 100,000 cattle guards in Colorado .Colorado ranchers had protested his proposed changes in grazing policies, so he ordered the Secretary of the Interior to fire half of the "cattle" guards immediately!!

Before the Secretary of the Interior could respond and presumably try to straighten him out, Vice-President, Joe Biden, intervened with a request that.. before any "cattle" guards were fired, they be given six months of retraining.
And these guys are running our country, OMG!!

Passed on to you without further comment....
have one in my drive way:)

[James48843]

Now wait for it. :D
CB


Snopes.

[alevin]

Just means they're city boys, guys. Nothing more. ;) They gotta get out more into red country, definitely.

[CountryBoy]

Snopes.

:laugh:

Really ?

Bunk ?


Just need the right bait to get the 2 left wingers from snopes to be the final and deciding answer. :D

[CountryBoy]

Just means they're city boys, guys. Nothing more. ;) They gotta get out more into red country, definitely.

Yep, get out in fly over country and get back in touch with real Americans, but then that is needed by all the Pols in DC. Still fun though to poke at the snake. Gotta go into the weekend with a good laugh.

[XL-entLady]

Snopes.
Yeah, James, I had read this joke during the last administration and it was debunked then too. But I was tired of being told "oh yeah?" so I didn't say anything.

You're right, of course, but some folks won't ever believe that. :rolleyes: And it's a good joke anyway. :D

[James48843]

http://www.snopes.com/politics/humor/cattleguards.asp

[nnuut]

It was just a joke for heavens sake~!!:laugh:

[CountryBoy]

Difference Between a Marine Officer And an NCO

A young Marine officer was severely wounded in the head by a grenade, but the only visible permanent injury was to both of his ears, which were amputated. Since his hearing wasn't impaired he remained in the Marine Corps.

Many years later he eventually rose to the rank of major general. He was, however, very sensitive about his appearance.

One day the general was interviewing three Marines, prospects for his headquarters staff. The first was a captain, and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the general asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?" The young officer answered, "Why, yes, Sir, I couldn't help but notice that you have no ears."

The general got very angry at his lack of tact and threw him out.

The second interview was with a Lieutenant, and he was even better. The general then asked him the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?" He replied sheepishly, "Well, Sir, you have no ears."

The general, now really pissed, threw him out also.

The third interview was with a Marine gunnery sergeant, an infantryman. He was articulate, looked extremely sharp and seemed to know more than the two officers combined.

The general wanted this guy, and went ahead with the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?"
To his surprise the sergeant said, "Yes, Sir, you wear contact lenses."

The general was very impressed and thought, what an incredibly observant NCO, and he didn't mention my ears. "And how do you know that I wear contacts?" the General asked.

"Well, with all due respect Sir," the gunny replied, "it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no flippin' ears.

[CountryBoy]

Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Barb had been friends all of their lives.

When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day.
One day Barb said, 'Rose, we both loved playing women's softball all our lives, and we played
all through High School. Please do me one favor; when you get to Heaven,
somehow you must let me know if there's women's softball there.'
Rose looked up at Barb from her deathbed and said, 'Barb, you've been my best friend for
many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you.'

Shortly after that, Rose passed on.

A few nights later, Barb was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light
and a voice calling out to her, 'Barb, Barb.'
'Who is it?', asked Barb, sitting up suddenly. 'Who is it?'

Barb -- it's me, Rose.'
Can't be. Rose just died.'
'I'm telling you, it's me, Rose,' insisted the voice.
'Rose! Where are you?'
'In Heaven,' replied Rose. 'I have some really good news and a little bad news.'

'Tell me the good news first,' said Barb.
'The good news,' Rose said, 'is that there's softball in Heaven. Better yet all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always springtime, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired.'

'That's fantastic,' said Barb. 'It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?'







'You're pitching on Tuesday.'

[CountryBoy]

http://www.theodoresworld.net/archives/2010/06/stupid_democrat_county_supervi.html


Check out the video:laugh:

[XL-entLady]

This old man and old woman (husband and wife) die and go to heaven. There, St. Peter gives them the grand tour of their new home.

It's a HUGE mansion with a limo driver, gardner, etc. The old man exclaims "That's ours?" St. Peter says "Yes, it is yours, forever and ever." The old man is a little suspicious and says "How much is the rent?" St. Peter says "It is free. After all, this is heaven."

Across the street is an expansive golf course with beautifully manicured lawn, interesting layout, and fun golfcarts. St. Peter says "You can play here whenever you want." The old man says "What are the green fees?" St. Peter replies "None. After all, this is heaven." The old man is very impressed.

They go inside the house and on the dining room table is a gigantic feast with roasted meats, desserts, fine wine and all the fixings. The old man says "How many calories?" St. Peter says "None. After all, this is heaven."

The old man gets a look on his face like he is suddenly understanding what heaven is all about.

Then the old man suddenly turns and yells at the old woman, "You stupid witch! If it weren't for your damn bran muffins, we could have been here YEARS ago!"

[CountryBoy]

:laugh:That was a good one and the way to start off the weekend. If ya haven't heard about the one about not stepping on the ducks in heaven, I'll post it for ya Monday. All my good jokes are at the office and not on this laptop. The laptop has Vista and I can just barely tolerate using it.

Enjoy your weekend,:D

CB

[crws]

This is a G theme fit for all. Be sure to hit the HD version. I never tire of watching this.

<object width="640" height="385"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/jEjUAnPc2VA&hl=en_US&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/jEjUAnPc2VA&hl=en_US&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="640" height="385"></embed></object>

[Rustynutt]

Well, maybe not humor, but in good light.

Dad came to California at the tail end of the "Great Depression". My Grandfather was a woodsman by trade then, after Kansas fell apart, and took up clearing Eucalyptus trees in Southern California for a living. Their first year housing was a tent north of San Diego. I've looked over the photos (have no idea how they could of affored a camera), and the mind spins.

Fast forward many years, my father raised a family of 4 as a butcher, baker and candle stick maker. After his retirement from the Meat Cutters Union in the early 80's, he seemed to work 24 hours a day as a musician, furniture sales man, office design salesman, and even Amway distributor, proving for our family through every avenue available to him living in America. He made a lot of friends, and holds his name proud for what he's accomplished in life. At the age of 80, and still not being able to go through a day without work, he took employment with the local school district working a couple hours a day serving elementary age children their breakfast and lunches. To listen to the conditions and treatment the other workers put him through, and for a Korean Veteran to be serviing up free lunches to nearly all of the attending school age children, it about rips my heart out. But that's my dad, and he'll be the one to help dig the soil for his resting place when his time comes.

He still has mom, two years his senior, but her time is nearing. About 10 years ago they did something very untypical of them both, packed up all their belongings and went to Iowa to live with friends while searching for that special place. There was a beautiful two story home on 5 acreas they both felt would be perfect to live out their remaining years. Unfortunately, the home had a owner build elevator, and while touring the home with the real estate agent, mom riding with the agents kids up to the second story, the cable broke, down came mom and kids resulting in her foot badly damaged. Their Kaiser insurance didn't have a presence in Iowa, and no specialist was available near by, dad had her flown to Kansas city for treatment, where he slept for nearly 6 weeks in and around the hospital awaiting for her to receive proper care. In the end, the lock stock and barrel they packed to move was once again back in California.

Fast forward once again, mom is still having troubles with her foot as it was fused with metal bars to aid in healing. The past couple of visits seeking help to alleviate the pain from arthritis which continually sets in have amounted to quick diagnosis by the doctors that having it amputated was the best option. Maybe it is, but it's had to imagine mom missing a foot, it's hard to imagine the shock it must be to a still young in spirit South Georgia girl, that even near life's end, there must be more price to pay. Dad is there, right by her side.

Guess the shining light here is, in 1979, after many years of hard work and saving purchased a home atop a hill for 79 thousand dollars. They have made it their castle, and indeed, with the over look of the valley, it really is a good example of what the American dream use to be. Mom and Dad will always be a hard act to follow for any of us kids, or grand kids for that matter.

With that in mind, and the seeming constant desire throughout a working career to achieve always what is just above reach, have decided with the new wife that maybe a manufactured home might be our answer. Live within our means just as dad and mom always did. Heck, they make those things that look so close to a log cabin, it's hard to tell the difference. Find a spot with trees, other old farts, and a decent hospital close by, and I think we will have found what dad was steering us towards all his life.

Have a great weekend, and keep the crooks out of your TSP accounts!

[crws]

Right on, man. Great story, and thanks for sharing!


Well, maybe not humor, but in good light.
Have a great weekend, and keep the crooks out of your TSP accounts!

[CountryBoy]

Stepping on a Duck

It’s seems these 3 ladies died and went to heaven. When they got there, St. Peter said everything will be fine if as long as they don’t step on any of the ducks. They all looked at each other, shrugged and said ok.

They were shocked, but heaven was full of ducks for some reason and they really had to be careful about not stepping on any. However, one day one of the ladies accidently stepped on a duck and sure enough here comes St. Peter, with the ugliest man they had ever seen and St. Peter chained him to the lady who had stepped on the duck and said they would be chained together for eternity.

The other 2 looked at each other and said “whoa we’d better be real careful”. But as careful as they were, the second lady stepped on a duck and sure enough, here came St. Peter with an even uglier man and chained him to the lady who had stepped on the duck for eternity.

The last lady was going to do her best not to step on a duck, and sure enough a lot of time past and she had yet to step on a duck. Then one here came St. Peter, with the most handsome man the lady had ever seen and chained him to her. She just couldn’t believe her luck to be chained to this hunk for eternity.

She looked at him and said, “I don’t know what I did to deserve this” and he said “ I don’t know, all I did was step on a duck.

[Steel_Magnolia]

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he’d be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he’d been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that for the more than three decades she had “charged” him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments. Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, “If I’d had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!”

That’s when she shot him.

[Frixxxx]

That’s when she shot him.
:laugh:She need a boyfriend?:laugh:

[Silverbird]

:laugh:She need a boyfriend?:laugh:You don't want to know her terms.

[crws]

Shotgun wedding? :laugh:

[grandma]

Shotgun wedding? :laugh:
shot-gun funeral -:rolleyes:

[James48843]

I was in my back yard trying to fly a kite.
10003


I threw the kite up in the air, the wind would catch it for a few seconds, then it would come crashing back down to earth.

I tried this a few more times with no success.

All the while Vicki was watching from the kitchen window.


Muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.

She opens the window and yelled to me,

'Hey-You need a piece of tail.'

I turned with a confused look on my face and said,

'Make up your mind!
Last night, you told me to go
fly a kite.' ...

[Scout333]

:D:D:D

[crws]

Good one! :D

[Buster]

http://i115.photobucket.com/albums/n289/blackstangs281/Avatars/brightguy.gif

[Steel_Magnolia]

Thought for the day:

Why do people who seem to know the least know it the loudest?

:rolleyes: :toung:

[Birchtree]

Obviously that's why Obama is on the tube all the damn time.

[Buster]

http://i16.photobucket.com/albums/b47/Atwater/lips.jpg

[Steel_Magnolia]

From the looks of the women in that picture, they drank a lot of lemonade. :toung:

[Silverbird]

Lemonade without sugar. Sugar's bad too, right?
:toung:

[Afishegg]

Bwahahahahahahaha! :laugh::laugh: Looks real to me. or....

Was that one of those dress up pictures taken at Six flags? :laugh::laugh:

[Buster]

Divorced Barbie


One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly
remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a Toy Shop and
asks the sales person, 'How much for one of those Barbie's in the display
window?' The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir? We have: Work
Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95,
Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for
$19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95'.

The amazed father asks: 'It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie
$265.95 and the others only $19.95?'

The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: 'Sir...,
Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's
Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with
Ken's balls.

[crws]

Once upon a time a man told a small village, “I will buy monkeys for $10 each.”

Since there were many monkeys in the forest, the villagers caught them and sold them to the man.

As the supply of monkeys diminished, the villagers’ efforts slowed, so the man offered them $20 each.

They renewed their efforts but the supply of monkeys diminished further, so he increased his price to $25.

Soon no one could even find a monkey in the forest.

The man increased his price to $50, but announced, “Since I must go to the city on business, I authorize my assistant to buy monkeys on my behalf.”

As soon as his boss was gone, the assistant told the villagers, “My boss has collected lots of monkeys. I’ll sell them to you for $35 and then, when he returns, you can sell them to him for $50.”

The villagers rounded up all the money they could and bought as many monkeys as possible from the assistant. Then they had monkeys everywhere…

… but they never saw the man or his assistant again.

And now you understand the workings of the stock market!

Credit to: "CreditVampire"

[Steel_Magnolia]

Loved crws's joke, and speaking of monkeys:

Life at work is like a tree full of monkeys. Some monkeys are climbing up the tree, some are climbing down. The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces. The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but @##holes. :rolleyes: :D

[Intrepid_Timer]

I love this..................:laugh:

[James48843]

Happy Halloween....

http://terrisfp.com/hallo1/ghost1.swf

[Steel_Magnolia]

More Halloween humor:

Q: What do you get when you divide the circumference of a jack-o-lantern by its diameter?
A: Pumpkin Pi.


Q: How do you make a witch stew?
A: Keep her waiting for hours.


Q: How do ghosts begin their letters?
A: "Tomb it may concern..."


Q: What happened to the guy who couldn't keep up payments to his exorcist?
A: He was repossessed.


Q: What do you call a person who puts rat poison in a person's Corn Flakes?
A: A cereal killer


Q: How do you mend a broken Jack-o-lantern?
A: With a pumpkin patch.


Q: What do you get when you cross Dracula with Sleeping Beauty?
A: Tired blood.


Q: What kind of street does a ghost like best?
A: A dead end.


Q: Where do vampires live?
A: At the Vampire State Building.


Q: Why don't witches like to ride their brooms when they're angry?
A: They're afraid of flying off the handle.

Q: Where does Count Dracula usually eat his lunch?
A: In the casketeria.


Q: Where did the goblin throw the football?
A: Over the ghoul line.

Q: What do you call goblins who gets too close to a bonfire?
A: Ghost Toasties.


Q: What do you call a wicked witch who lives by the sea?
A: A Sand-witch

Q: What is a vampires favorite mode of transportation?
A: A blood vessel.


Q: What do you call a dog owned by Dracula?
A: A blood hound.


Q: What kind of hot dogs do werewolves like best?
A: Hallowieners.


Q: What do you call serious rocks?
A: Grave stones.


Q: How do you picture yourself flying on a broom?
A: By witchful thinking.


Q: Why did the vampire's lunch give her heartburn?
A: It was a stake sandwich.

[James48843]

More Halloween humor:

Q: What do you get when you divide the circumference of a jack-o-lantern by its diameter?
A: Pumpkin Pi.




10091
3.141592653589793238462643383279...

[alevin]

going along with the Halloween theme...


I don't usually pass on news like this. I know how busy you all are but sometimes we have to pause and truly remember what life is about...so pass on this sad, sad news. . . There was a great loss today in the entertainment world. The man who wrote the song "Hokey Pokey" died. What was really horrible is that they had trouble keeping the body in the casket.
They'd put his left leg in and.. .well, you know the rest

http://www.humormatters.com/groaners.htm

[Scout333]

Loved crws's joke, and speaking of monkeys:

Life at work is like a tree full of monkeys. Some monkeys are climbing up the tree, some are climbing down. The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces. The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but @##holes. :rolleyes: :D

My Dad had one similar he used to tell a lot " The farther up a tree a monkey climbs the more you see of his behind!". As a retired Chief Warrant Officer and Civil Service front line manager he had a ton of experiences to back it up.:D

[Steel_Magnolia]

Just in case you have forgotten the rules for a safe and Happy Halloween!1. When it appears that you have killed the monster, NEVER check to see if it's really dead.

2. Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.

3. Do not search the basement, especially if the power has gone out.

4. If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. However, it will probably take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared. This also applies to kids who speak with somebody else's voice.

5. When you have the benefit of numbers, NEVER pair off and go it alone.

6. As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.

7. Never stand in, on, or above a grave, tomb, or crypt. This would apply to any other house of the dead as well.

8. If you're searching for something which caused a loud noise and find out that it's just the cat, GET THE HELL OUT!

9. If appliances start operating by themselves, do not check for short circuits; just get out!

10. Do not take ANYTHING from the dead.

11. If you find a town which looks deserted, there's probably a good reason for it. Don't stop and look around.

12. Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know what you're doing.

13. If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you.

14. If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, kill them immediately.

15. Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (you're in trouble if you recognize this one), the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.

16. If your car runs out of gas at night on a lonely road, do not go to the nearby deserted looking house to phone for help. If you think that it is strange because you thought you had 3/4 of a tank, shoot yourself instead. You are going to die anyway, and most likely be eaten.

17. Beware of strangers bearing strange tools. For example: chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any devices made from deceased companions.

18. If you find that your house is built upon a cemetery, now is the time to move in with the in-laws. This also applies to houses that had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed satanic practices in your house.

[Steel_Magnolia]

One more joke for Halloween


10098


Maggie

[Steel_Magnolia]

Ten Signs You Are Too Old For Halloween


You get winded from knocking on the door

You have to have someone chew the candy for you

You ask for high fiber candy only.

When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over.

People say, "Great Keith Richards mask!" and you're not wearing a mask.

When the door opens you yell, "Trick or..." and you can't remember the rest.

By the end of the night you have a bag full of restraining orders.

You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hair piece.

You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.


You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives live.

[CountryBoy]

A proposed alternative to full body scanners in airports

Much better than a strip search

Here's a solution to all the controversy over full-body scanners at the airports:
All we need to do is develop a booth that you can step into that will NOT X-ray you, but WILL detonate any explosive device you may have hidden on or in your body.
The explosion will be contained within the sealed booth.
This would be a win-win for everyone.
There would be none of this crap about racial profiling and the device would eliminate long and expensive trials. This is so simple that it's brilliant.

I can see it now: you're in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion.

Shortly thereafter an announcement comes over the PA system, "Attention standby passengers, we now have a seat available on flight number..."

[Buster]

A proposed alternative to full body scanners in airports

Much better than a strip search

Here's a solution to all the controversy over full-body scanners at the airports:
All we need to do is develop a booth that you can step into that will NOT X-ray you, but WILL detonate any explosive device you may have hidden on or in your body.
The explosion will be contained within the sealed booth.
This would be a win-win for everyone.
There would be none of this crap about racial profiling and the device would eliminate long and expensive trials. This is so simple that it's brilliant.

I can see it now: you're in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion.

Shortly thereafter an announcement comes over the PA system, "Attention standby passengers, we now have a seat available on flight number..."
Love it...:D:D:laugh:

Remined me of this..

bvY1ApefMLY&feature=related

[Steel_Magnolia]

Very red day so we need lots of laughs. Walter can provide them. In a PG-13 way.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_I226Sfgs0s

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GFelEa8wAIk

[Steel_Magnolia]

:) Non-partisan political humor to get you in the mood to vote:



Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress.... But then I repeat myself. -Mark Twain


Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries. - Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University


Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. - P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian


Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else. - Frederic Bastiat, French Economist (1801- 1850)


I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts. - Will Rogers


Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you! - Pericles (430 B.C.)


No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session. - Mark Twain (1866)


Talk is cheap...except when Congress does it. - Unknown


The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin. - Mark Twain


There is no distinctly Native American criminal class...save Congress. - Mark Twain

[alevin]

All right! Another Jimmy buffet fan! (from the Fear no Fear rally)



http://i.huffpost.com/gadgets/slideshows/12644/slide_12644_169534_large.jpg?1288617551781
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/10/30/the-funniest-signs-at-the_n_776490.html#s169534

[Steel_Magnolia]

Some late Halloween humor


10141

[Handballer]

What A Retired Guy Does





After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Walmart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Walmart.

Dear Customer,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store.. Our complaints against your husband are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing
management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, ' Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9.. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed:

'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least:

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.'

[Silverbird]

Add to Wall Mart List - Arrived in jogging suit, sneakers, headband and hand weights. On sweat shirt back - Wall Mart Joggers. :toung:

My husband is in charge of shopping, I can't stand Wall Mart either.

[James48843]

A lad from Barnsley buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool
After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and phones a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.

The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant.

The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion
that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself.

So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he feels that the first try didn't
take, and loads them in the Land Rover again. He drives them out to the woods, has sex with each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted.

Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round.

Try again. he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive them out to the woods He spends all day having sex with the sheep and upon returning home, falls into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out of the window. He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.

'No,' she says, 'they're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is beeping the horn.'

[Buster]

A lad from Barnsley buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool
After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and phones a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.

The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant.

The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion
that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself.

So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he feels that the first try didn't
take, and loads them in the Land Rover again. He drives them out to the woods, has sex with each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted.

Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round.

Try again. he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive them out to the woods He spends all day having sex with the sheep and upon returning home, falls into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out of the window. He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.

'No,' she says, 'they're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is beeping the horn.'


And Hence the birth of a new vehicle: The Dodge Ram:D

[James48843]

And Hence the birth of a new vehicle: The Dodge Ram:D


Oooooohhhhh......

[crws]

http://static.funnyjunk.com/pictures/62cebd9c_4d5e_6bd50.jpg

Great site
http://funnyjunk.com/

[Buster]

A real woman is a man's best friend. She will never stand him up and never let him down. She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.
She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret. She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.

She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive, and invincible . . .
No wait . . . Sorry . . . I'm thinking of beer. That's what beer does.
Never mind.

[Steel_Magnolia]

The four stages of life:

1. You believe in Santa Claus.

2. You don't believe in Santa Claus.

3. You are Santa Claus.

4. You look like Santa Claus.

[burrocrat]

warning, unpolitically correct and definately not funny attempt at a joke...







what do you say to a santa with black eyes?










nothing.










s-o-b obviously didn't listen the first two times you tole him.

[nnuut]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kkhbUrsFyVM&feature=player_embedded

[Buster]

http://i16.photobucket.com/albums/b47/Atwater/frosty.jpg

[tsptalk]

I found a discrepency in the allocation for one of our new AutoTracker members. I sent them an emeil.

Me. "What is your current allocation?"

Response: Ft. Meyers Florida.

For reals. :D