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Thread: Black Humor (for RED days.)

  1. #1

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    Default Black Humor (for RED days.)

    NEW STOCK MARKET TERMS:

    CEO --Chief Embezzlement Officer.

    CFO -- Corporate Fraud Officer.

    BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

    BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.

    VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.

    P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

    BROKER -- What my financial advisor has made me.

    STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.

    STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

    STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.

    FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.

    MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.

    CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

    YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.

    WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @$240 per share.

    INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Former investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.

    PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use.


    (Stolen from another internet site tonight.
    Hey, we're all going broke together. The least we can do is maintain a sense of humor. It may be all we have left when this is over.)


  2.  
  3. #2

    Default Re: Black Humor (for RED days.)

    Investment tips for 2009

    With all the turmoil in the market today and the collapse of Lehman Bros and
    Acquisition of Merrill Lynch by Bank of America this might be some good
    advice. For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected
    mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks.

    Watch for these consolidations in later this year:

    1.) Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W R. Grace
    Co. Will merge and become:
    Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.

    2.) Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and
    become:
    Poly, Warner Cracker.

    3.) 3M will merge with Goodyear and become:
    MMMGood.

    4. Zipp o Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge
    and become:
    ZipAudiDoDa .

    5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become:
    FedUP.

    6. Fairchild Electronic s and Honeywell Computers will become:
    Fairwell Honeychild.

    7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become:
    PouponPants.

    8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become:
    Knott NOW!

    And finally...

    9. Victoria 's Secret and Smith &Wesson will merge under the new name:
    TittyTittyBangBang



    <received this in an e-mail with no attribution - sounds like it could have come from the Tonight Show????>
    100% I August 14 (cob 8/14). Trying it again until Oct.

  4.  
  5. #3

    Default Re: Black Humor (for RED days.)

    Merrill Lynch has adjusted its investment portfolio: 50% cash and 50% canned goods.

    Bumper sticker on Wall Street: My other Porsche is for sale.

    How many investment bankers can you fit in the back of a pickup truck? Only 2 - you have to leave room for the lawn mowers!

    I have an uncle down at Wall Street. He used to have a corner on the market. Now he has a market on the corner.

    "Get my broker, Miss Jones."
    "Yes sir. Stock, or Pawn?"

    from http://www.creditbloggers.com/2007/0...money-f-2.html
    100% I August 14 (cob 8/14). Trying it again until Oct.

  6.  
  7. #4

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    Default Re: Black Humor (for RED days.)

    Thanks guys,

    We need all the humor we can muster now.

    CB
    “Most men and women will grow up to love their servitude and will never dream of revolution.” - Huxley’s Brave New World

  8.  
  9. #5

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    Default Re: Black Humor (for RED days.)

    A trader on the floor of the NYSE was overheard saying "This is worse than a divorce. I've lost half my net worth and still have my wife!"

  10.  
  11. #6

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    Default Re: Black Humor (for RED days.)

    It's not black financial humor, but 2 quick jokes that that may lighten the mood and start the weekend off on a good foot. I hope they aren't to old, like me

    Understanding Engineers

    Take One:
    Two engineering students were riding across campus one day when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
    The second engineer said, "Well I was walking along yesterday when a beautiful young woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothing and said, "Take what you want."
    The first engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice, the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

    Take Two:
    To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
    Take Three:

    A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
    The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for at last fifteen minutes!"
    The doctor chimed in, 'I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude."
    The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him."
    (dramatic pause)
    "Hi George, say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow."
    The greenskeeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free whenever they want." The group was silent for a moment.
    The pastor said, "That's so very sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them."
    The doctor said, "Good idea, I think I will contact an opthalmologist friend of mine and see what he can do for them."
    The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"
    Take Four:

    What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers? Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.

    Joke 2

    No Action Since 1955

    A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

    'Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?'

    'Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature.'

    'The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, 'It looks like you have seen a lot of action.'

    'Yes, ma'am, a lot of action.'

    The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, 'You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.'

    The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

    Finally the young lady said, 'You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?'

    '1955, ma'am.'

    'Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to 'relax' him several times.

    Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, 'Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!'

    The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, 'I hope not, it's only 2130 now.'


    Enjoy the weekend gang,
    CB
    “Most men and women will grow up to love their servitude and will never dream of revolution.” - Huxley’s Brave New World

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  13. #7

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    Default Re: Black Humor (for RED days.)

    Rigghhhhttttt...




    Yesterday I was buying a 2 large bags of Purina dog chow at Walmart, for my dogs == Winston, Chief, Gus, and Maximus.

    I was about to check out when a woman behind me
    asked if I had a dog.

    What did she think, that I had an elephant?


    Since I had little else to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't
    have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again, although I
    probably shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital last time.

    On the bright side though, I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of every hole in my body and IVs in both arms. The Purina diet was the latest thing, and it worked great.

    I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way
    that it works is this--

    You load your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was enthralled with my story by now.)


    Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food had poisoned me.

    I told her no; I had been chasing a car, stopped in the middle of the parking lot to lick my rear, and a car hit me.

    I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard!


    WAL-MART won't let me shop there anymore.

  14.  
  15. #8

    Default Re: Black Humor (for RED days.)


  16.  
  17. #9


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  19. #10

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    Default Re: Black Humor (for RED days.)


  20.  
  21. #11

    Default Re: Black Humor (for RED days.)

    Quote Originally Posted by James48843 View Post
    Rigghhhhttttt...




    Yesterday I was buying a 2 large bags of Purina dog chow at Walmart, for my dogs == Winston, Chief, Gus, and Maximus.

    I was about to check out when a woman behind me
    asked if I had a dog.

    What did she think, that I had an elephant?


    Since I had little else to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't
    have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again, although I
    probably shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital last time.

    On the bright side though, I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of every hole in my body and IVs in both arms. The Purina diet was the latest thing, and it worked great.

    I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way
    that it works is this--

    You load your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was enthralled with my story by now.)


    Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food had poisoned me.

    I told her no; I had been chasing a car, stopped in the middle of the parking lot to lick my rear, and a car hit me.

    I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard!


    WAL-MART won't let me shop there anymore.
    I don't care who you are, that's funny right there!
    God bless the United States of America!

  22.  
  23. #12

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    Default Re: Black Humor (for RED days.)

    Bernie Madoff yesterday, under intense interrogation......

    Attachment 5351

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