Thread: Black Humor (for RED days.)

That is so true and so funny!laughskull.gif

All drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name.Example, the trade name is Tylenol and it's generic name is Acetaminophen..Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil isalso called Ibuprofen. The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recentlyannounced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Alsoconsidered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and ofcourse, Ibepokin. Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon beavailable in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a powerbeverage suitable for use as a mixer.. It will now be possible for a man toliterally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a softdrink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' andjust a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'. Pepsi will market the new concoctionby the name of: MOUNT & DO. Thought for the day: There is more money beingspent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. Thismeans that by 2020, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobsand huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them. Ifyou don't send this to five old friends right away there will be five fewerpeople laughing in the world.

THE EXPLANATION


The mother-in-law arrives home from shopping to find her son-in-lawPaddy in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase.

"What happened Paddy ?" she asks anxiously.

"What happened!?! ..I'll tell you what happened. I sent an email to my wife(your daughter) telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home... and guess what I found? Yes, your daughter, my wifeJean, naked with Joe Murphy in our marital bed! This is unforgivable,the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!"

"Ah now, calm down, calm down Paddy!" says his mother-in-law. "Thereis something very odd going on here. My daughter would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediatelyand find out what happened."

Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.
"Paddy. I told you there must be a simple explanation .....

She never got your E-mail!"

Doctors

(A) The number of physicians inthe U.S. is 700,000.

(B) Accidental deaths causedby Physicians per year are 120,000.

(C) Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171

Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept of Health and Human Services.

Nowthink about this:

Guns

(A)The number of gun owners in the U.S. is 80,000,000.

(Yes, that's 80 million)

(B)The number of accidental gun deaths per year, all age groups, is 1,500.

(C)The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is .0000188

Statistics courtesy of FBI

So,statistically, doctors are approximately
9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.

Remember, 'Guns don't kill people, doctors do.'

FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN, BUT

Almost everyone has at least one doctor.

This means you are over 9,000 times more likely to be accidently killedby a
doctor as by a gun owner!!!


Please alert your friends tothis alarming threat.

Wemust ban doctors before this gets completely out of hand!!!!!

Outof concern for the public at large, We withheld the statistics on lawyers

forfear the shock would cause people to panic and seek medical attention!

A red joke ("red humor") for a black day. From the cold war days of the 50s or 60s.


A high ranking US official and his wife were attending an official dinner with a high ranking USSR official named Rudolph. Things were not going well as the Russian was very disagreeable.


After dinner, in an effort to make conversation the US official's wife noticed it was snowing. She said to Rudolph "look at the beautiful snow". Rudolph gruffly replied "is not snow, is rain". The wife had had enough at this point and started telling the Russian how bad he was acting and that the lie about the snow was the last straw.


The US official put his arm around his wife and asked her to calm down. She replied she would not and that Rudolph was lying about the snow being rain. The US official replied to his wife she should drop the subject as "Rudolph the red knows rain, dear".

Maybe I should have posted this in December.

Originally Posted by PessOptimist

A red joke ("red humor") for a black day. From the cold war days of the 50s or 60s.


A high ranking US official and his wife were attending an official dinner with a high ranking USSR official named Rudolph. Things were not going well as the Russian was very disagreeable.


After dinner, in an effort to make conversation the US official's wife noticed it was snowing. She said to Rudolph "look at the beautiful snow". Rudolph gruffly replied "is not snow, is rain". The wife had had enough at this point and started telling the Russian how bad he was acting and that the lie about the snow was the last straw.


The US official put his arm around his wife and asked her to calm down. She replied she would not and that Rudolph was lying about the snow being rain. The US official replied to his wife she should drop the subject as "Rudolph the red knows rain, dear".

Maybe I should have posted this in December.

The jokes have been pretty good last couple days, carry one!

breaking news.jpg

I tried to catch some fog. I mist.


When chemists die, they barium.


Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.


A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.


How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.


This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club,but I'd never met herbivore.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words ...

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a type-O.

This dyslexic man walks into a bra .

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.


A cross-eyed teacher lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds..

I wondered why the ball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!


Broken pencils are pointless.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.


England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.


I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in London police stations have been stolen. Police say they have nothing to go on.


I took the job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.



Velcro - what a rip off!

Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.

What are three, two letter words, that mean small?

Originally Posted by konakathy

What are three, two letter words, that mean small?

"Is it in?"

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store & thought, "That's what I need - a new suit."

He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see ... size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeve & 16-1/2 neck." Again, Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!"

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see ... 9-1/2 E." Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!"

Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see... size 36."

Joe laughed. "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old." The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.